a daily scoop of my life
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Just got home from citapen, after having some maulid celebration. I finally managed to use this chance to do a lot of prayers and asking for HUGE forgiveness from the Almighty. Like I’ve said previously, been feeling very far from God lately. *exhales* However, have you ever felt that you don’t think you even deserve to ask for a forgiveness let alone to say your wishes out loud? Simply because you think you’ve been doing too many bad things, or asking for His forgiveness for a particular mistake, yet you’d make that very same mistake over and over again. I’ve been feeling that way for a while now, and trust me.. it doesn’t feel good at all. *sigh*

Anyway.. it’s been two tiring days after practicing the saman dance continuously. So you see, my grandma’s about to have her 80th birthday in June 19th. She planned to celebrate it really big, inviting her old acquaintances and friends, especially her friends back in Palembang. Well, it’s obvious that she expects her grandchildren to perform something for her, some kind of a tribute I guess. I had no clue who came up with the stupid idea of performing Saman. Why am I calling it stupid? Because it’s DIFFICULT! Not to mention the fact that neither lei, chiko, nor I have any talents in dancing. I much prefer singing to dancing *sobs* And the other thing is the leg-sore that always happen after each practice, I can’t take this anymoooore! *more sobs*

In the concern of a smaller sibling
You see, my mom seems to finally give up on my sister. My sister doesn’t seem to have any interest in studying, she doesn’t seem to have any concern on where to go after graduating from the junior high, all she thinks about is her band, her cell phone, and you know… all of those AGJ stuffs. Well, my mom seems to reach a level of desperation where she even thinks to get her to continue her studies at either SMEA or SMIP. Now /that/ is something I never really thought would ever come out of my mom’s mind. *shooks head* So now, anyone knows which SMEA and SMIP is the most qualified in Jakarta?

In a relationship?
Open relationship is a relationship between two people where both are still allowed to go out or even get committed with other people. And no, it’s not the same with “open for a relationship” just like some Friendster-maniacs have thought (as I quote from Raya). The nearest definition I can find in Indonesian would be HTS (Hubungan Tanpa Status). The difference though, I found most HTS as simply going steady with someone, yet having no strings attached, BUT you can’t go out with other people. I don’t think that’s the real definition HTS, but many people are doing it that way.

I’ve always been a big fan of HTS, open relationship, whatever that is. At first I thought it’s really a relationship without any commitment, but in the end I agree with Arief t hat any kind of relationship is actually getting committed /to some certain point/. Anyway, why am I being a big fan of that relationship? Well, while so many people actually focus on the part of the relationship where you can date other people, I focus more on the fact that HTS is actually a very challenging and, in a way, beautiful kind of relationship. I’ve found many of my friends who has lost their feelings toward their partners, yet they’d still being affectionate, they still come over to their partner’s houses, and all those kind of stuffs. When I ask them why are they still doing it, they’d simply answer “Because I’m her boyfriend. And this is what a boyfriend does.”

To me, that’s simply stupid. And that’s when I started to like the idea of HTS. You can’t have that kind of excuse/reason because you’re /not/ his/her boy/girlfriend. So what really ties you and your partner would be your feelings. When one doesn’t feel the same way anymore, one can drop it off just like that. And that’s the real challenge. The only disadvantage of this kind of relationship is that you’d be more vulnerable, especially when you’re in love with your partner. I mean, how does it feel? You love him/her so much, but you never really have him/her.

In my case, I’ve been involved in this kind of relationship at least three times.. four perhaps. All ended okay, and most of those guys became good friends of mine in the end. I’m still a big fan of this kind of relationship up till now. There would still comes the times when I feel like I need the security of a committed relationship, but it would just come and go. So in the end I’m just enjoying whatever I’m having now. As for what will happen next, we’ll see.

While I’m in this topic, it’s interesting to know that T’s family seems to give signals that they wanted to matchmake me with him. T is the guy from my religious group (ga tau bhs Inggris-nya “pengajian” tu apa), he has been my bestfriend, and yup we’re really close. On the first period of our friendship, we got interested to eachother, but dunno… in the end we thought that it was much better to be friends. He himself is a REALLY nice guy, very smart (SMUN 8, FKUI Internasional), has a remarkable inner beauty, not to mention he comes from a really great family. He broke up with his 3-yrs-relationship girlfriend a couple of months ago. And since 2 weeks ago, my dad told me that his uncle have been asking if I’m in a relationship with anyone. If I’m not, he gave signals to my dad (assuming that my dad didn’t take it wrong) that the family is interested into doing some matchmaking.

I’m not interested.

T’s been a GREAT friend, and I want us to be stay this way. And I’m VERY sure that he’s feeling the same way. But I don’t know… sometimes I do wonder if I’m missing my chance of getting to know (probably) better guys or some really great guys, just because I keep on gripping to my feelings for someone else.

Still have the very same feeling, God knows till when. *sigh* Feeling foolish sometimes.. (background song: “Why do fools fall in love….”)

Ah yes, I just realized, now why do I tend to get interested with guys who went to SMUN 8?? Name it: D, mr. fabulous, T, mr. perfect (don’t think I’ve mentioned him before), the chemistry guy. That’s one weird fact. Another weird fact is that I tend to have relationships with guys who live in the East side of Jakarta: Duren Sawit, Pondok Kelapa. Namely D, mr. narcist, mr. fabulous, the chemistry guy. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? That is one really weird pattern. o_O

In the effort of losing weight
I had my second fitness assessment today, the last one I had was half a year ago. And you know what? I’ve finally lost 3 percent of fat! YEAAAAAAAAAAY!! That means….. *counts* another 9 percent to go.
Now why doesn’t it sound very exciting anymore.. X(

But some great facts: I lost 3 cm on my abdomen, 5 cm on my hips, 2 cm on my biceps, ohohohohoho.. I’m so happy today. The fat loss on my hips is obviously the most exciting part. A year ago, it was more than 1 meter in circle, and now it’s 89 CM!!! 11 CM loss!!!! WUAKAKAKAKAKAKAK!

Then mybodygym is about to have their first anniversary party, which will be held next week at X Lounge. Every member is invited. One thing I just figured out this morning, my trainer told me that the gym will give awards to the most active members. And guess what? I was in the nomination list…. until I went absent for two whole weeks because of my mid-term exams, and off I got kicked away from the list. Damn.

Other than that, I’ve been neglecting my diet, which leaving me very concerned as my weight won’t bug from 53.5 kgs (previously I was 51.5 kgs) on the past 2 weeks. I’ve been eating rice, pasta, noodles, and all those nice carbs. It’s like this big NEED to indulge myself with those carbs as I’ve stopped taking them in the past two months. And you know what, man… carbs ARE good. So dunno, I think I’m gonna go back to a strict diet again starting Monday. *sobs*

In the health department
Oh yeah, smoking kills. I just realized that when I had another bodyCombat class last week and went jogging this morning. I couldn’t catch my breath! Man, this really gotta stop… Now I’m switching to kretek. Seems like a stupid solution as it has more nicotine and tars than my usual Marlboro lights, BUT, it lasts a lot longer so I’m stopping on the fourth or fifth cigarette each day. That, compared to the usual seven Marlboro cigarettes on weekdays and twelve-fourteen on weekends. See? It’s a temporary solution, before in the end I would stop. And I know I should.

Now this reminds me on the stupid incident happened last week. So it was a one fine day, I just got back from campus after getting through my Anaperancis mid-term exam. I stopped by at the psychology campus to meet my cousins. So there we were in the cafeteria, chatting, smoking, practicing the Saman dance (again). At one minute I was just inhaling my cigarette, when suddenly my auntie appeared (note: she’s the Psychology Faculty Dean). On reflex, I hid my cigarette, with one problem: I hadn’t exhaled!! I tried my best to hold my breath, wishing that she’d quickly go, and guess what… she took a reaaaaaaaally long time to introduce us (her nieces) to her colleagues. I reached a point when I couldn’t hold it any longer, so I grinned, and poof…. the smoke came out of my mouth. Then I looked to my auntie, and I smiled.

Then all the people in my table and the table to the next laughed hysterically. Man, that surely was embarrassing.

Oh well.. will continue this some other time. I’m getting really sleepy. And it’s gonna be an early morning tomorrow, preparing myself for the MSI mid-term exam. Nite-nite, minna-san..
Thursday, April 21, 2005
ketika nilai manpro keluar..
maka itu berarti penantian kita telah usai...
ALHAMDULILLAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Tuhan masih sayang sama gue!! IP gue bagus lagi wuakakakakakakak!!!!! gue senaaaaaaaaaanggg... hari gue indaaaahhhhh.... tralalala trilililili...

selamat utk rekan2 2002 karena nilai kita pada ganteng semua. lagi baek ni mr. ben the dwarf. :D
Saturday, April 16, 2005
sering ga denger satu lagu, terus tu lagu akhirnya terngiang2 mulu di kepala?

If I Never Get To Heaven

What does your love mean to me
it's something i can't answer easily
just like the air that i breathe
you fill me up inside, you give me all that i need
like a bird flying high on a summers day
you're the wind that carries me away
to a place where you and i will always stay forever

if i never get to heaven then at least i will have known
i had an angel here on earth that I could call my very own
and if this world should end tomorrow, girl this much i know is true
i found my piece of heaven the day that i found you

longer than poets will rhyme
girl my love will burn for you until the end of time
if i should die before tomorrow comes
i wont regret a single day, because i had your love
must be somethin in the way you say my name
it takes away my worries and my pain
girl i know we'll make it through the rain together

back to reff.

like a river flows and a flower grows, my love for you will never fade
like the sun will rise in the morning sky
you know that i am here to stay forever

back to reff.

like a river flows and a flower grows, my love for you will never fade
like the sun will rise in the morning sky
you know i am here to stay
have been in this stage before, back a couple of years ago. got tired and then the need started to fade..

i'm tired.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
and so life moves on. daliu's death has been very painful for all of us. but just like what pak ucok said, life moves on. kemarin kerasa banget, setelah proses kremasi selesai, balik ke kost sore2, mandi, dan baru ngeh kalo tugas2 dah di depan mata lagi. yup, life surely moves on. untuk temen2 2002 gue tercinta, hang tough, people!

untuk feha, wadi, dan anton, makasih banget untuk semua usaha kalian mengkoordinir acara "jalan-jalan" kita kemaren. berhubung deadline tugas Anaperancis mundur, gue usul terutama untuk wadi dan feha supaya memanfaatkan waktu2 yang ada untuk tidur hehe kemaren gue juga tewas abis elu pada balik dari kost gue XD

tensi gue lagi turun, mungkin jg karena banyak deadline diundur dan ngasi kesempatan untuk bernafas. tapi kalo diginiin, gue malah tergoda pengen seneng2. gile, biar kata udah sempet spend 2 minggu yang lalu itu dengan seminggu pegi2 mulu, tetep aja kayaknya hawa2 pengen kerja blon balik normal. masih pengen seneng2, pengen ngopi2 ama temen2 kayak dulu (bim, kita rapat lagi yuk. gue ngejer ngopi2nya aja sih.. XP), pengen ke lounge utk ngerumpi bersama teman2 wanita, dan satu sih: gue pengen belanjaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! serius, pengen dapet duit dua juta misalnya, terus ke PS, ke Metro Sale, belanja2 ampe puas. shopping never fails to make me happy and ease my stress.

cuma ya itu.. duitnya ga ada huekekekek. so at this point, gue akan sangat senang kalo ada any of you yang mo belanja dan minta ditemenin ama gue. seeing someone shopping has the similar excitement effect (meskipun ga bisa sama persis) dengan kalo gue sendiri yang belanja. :P

kabar2 terakhir dari hidup gue:
1. a friend of mine just got engaged. dia bilangnya itu perjanjian di antara dia sama ceweknya, bukan tunangan beneran. tapi some other friends bilang mereka dah tunangan sebelum2nya. he? oh well anyway, i'm happy for you both. ^^

2. gue masih menantikan work permit turun dari s'pore government. ndun, elu gemana ni P&G-nya? jadi menemani saya? oh 1 lagi, kalo elu jadi pegi, elu bakal tinggal di mana?

3. sejak ulang taun, berat badan gue naek lagi. sedih.. baruuu aja mo niat memasuki fase menstabilkan berat badan, ehhh sekarang terpaksa balik ke fase nurunin lagi. however, ta, ndun, mel, ato yaa.. other female visitors in my blog, satu yang gue sadari dalam diet ini: why does it seems to me that when we lose weight, our boobs get smaller? it seems like a trade off to me now. if you want bigger boobs, don't lose weight. if you wanna lose weight, be ready to have your boobs getting smaller. *sobs*

4. coffee & cigarette dosage has finally decreasing, alhamdulillah.. only had two cups of coffee (as ice cappucinno doesn't count as a real coffee to me) and five cigarettes yesterday. doakan bisa begini terus, syukur2 terus turun, amin..

5. tugas2 dah mulai kepegang as my mood to work mulai kembali normal (an invitation to go shopping won't be rejected though *masihhh aja*).

6. jetto manggung lagi masih bulan depan, on the mean time gue kangen latian lagu2 yang lama kayak Lies & Truth, Winterfall, Niji, even Honey. Stay Away sih dah mo muntah, saben manggung itu mulu yang dibawa.

7. duit lagi extremely tiris, pengeluaran lagi jor2an banget.

8. kondisi orang2 rumah makin stress tiap saat terutama setelah gatot berenti kerja dan naning semakin mendekati masa2 ujian.

9. kualitas iman lagi ancur banget. sholat banyak bolong gara2 sering kecapean terus ketiduran (ini untuk kasus sholat isya) atau lama pergi dan ga nemu musholla (ini untuk kasus sholat zuhur dan ashar). sholat magrib dan subuh juga masih jarang gue ikutin dengan wirid. subuh jarang karena gue selalu masih capek jadi pengennya abis sholat langsung tidur. magrib jarang karena biasanya dah banyak pikiran ttg things to do dan gue pengen langsung segera mulai beraktivitas. di luar ini pun, berasa lah lagi jauh banget sama Tuhan. tiap kali tobat, sedih rasanya karena ngerasa ga bisa ngasi jaminan kalo gue ga bakal ngelakuin kesalahan yang sama. *sigh* gue butuh pencerahan iman.

10. mr. nice has finally backed off. literally. setelah dia ga betah ngadepin gue yang sibuk dan ga bisa2 diajak pergi sama dia. ya.. kayak pernah gue bilang sebelumnya, taraf sibuk sekarang tu masih manasin mesin doang, blon ampe beneran "jalan". gemana ntar kalo sekarang aja dia dah mulai complain2.

11. kangen sama temen2 cewek gue. berasa banget pas 2 minggu lalu ngopi bareng meucin & anin betapa kangennya gue bergunjing. ternyata kita bertiga dah resmi jadi stereotype produk Al Izhar: ga demen sama committed relationships. meucin dengan adit, anin dengan gede. anin ama gede ternyata pacaran cuma 3 bulan, sisanya 9 bulan itu HTS hahahahaha so in the end, we cheered for HTS. *lol* hey, seperti kata.... i forgot, adit ato HTS-annya meucin yang laen yah? pokonya dia bilang:

"untuk membuat suatu hari aja dibutuhkan matahari dan bintang. gemana kita?"

asli gue ngakak abis2an, gue demeeeeen banget tu kalimat. well anin kemudian melanjutkan, "dan masih ada bulan. dan denger2 bintang tu banyak banget."

dan kami pun tertawa lagi.

really, it was fun. don't realize i've missed my friends this much. kurangnya kemaren tuh cuma lany, kalo dah ada dia lengkap deh semua. dan denger2 dia lagi banyak cerita. then again, we all have a lot of stories to tell. *grins*

oke lah, that's it for now. mo rapat sama tommy dkk. talk later. cheers.

btw, this was supposed to be posted last Friday:

For years I’ve made a lot of friends, and it’s interesting that apparently I can actually categorize several kind of “friends”. Namely:

1. The kind of friend that would always stay no matter what, and can accept you for being the way you are. When they know you’re about to do something wrong (“wrong” as in it might end up to be something bad), they would only remind you and let you know about their opinions. In the end, if you’d still go for that decision anyway, they’d stay, getting ready to catch you when you fall.

2. The kind of friend that’s being extremely possessive. I’ve seen several people like this. At first it might just seem that they’re always concerned about what you feel, what you do, and such. But in the end, it turns out that they become very attached to you, that they worry so much about you, in such a way that they’ll try to control you to do things they think is “okay”. They’d claim that they’d do those simply to protect you from feeling hurt. They’d always expect you to tell you /everything/, with their concept of “being friends meaning you share everything with me”. This would be troubling sometimes especially when you’re not sharing your problems, they’d feel hurt, feeling they’re not being considered reliable enough.

3. Then there’s also the kind of friend who have their eccentric criteria of what a friend really is. Being their friend means that you have to fulfill these criteria no matter what. They’d expect you to treat them exactly the way they treat you (referring to those criteria I mentioned, that is), unless you don’t want to be considered as their friend.

Well, glad to know that most of my best friends fall for the first criteria. There have been several decisions I’ve made they considered unwise, yet they stayed. And just as I thought, in the end when I fell, they were there. These people have stayed being my friends for 3 years, 7 years, and even 21 years (and yes, I’m referring to you, Nggi). I’m considering myself lucky. *grins*

Welcome to my life.
Eight projects in hand (including some major assignments from school) are enough to keep me occupied, plus the mid-term exams that keep on making me feeling overly panicked. My diary might just compete with Bridget Jones’, except on the food though. Five cups of coffee, twelve cigarettes, four hours of sleeping, one big meal (my definition of “big” though *wide grin*), one whole-wheat biscuit, and yes.. it’s been one unhealthy life. To my dearest friend, Feha, really I don’t wish that dreams of yours would ever come true. Been trying to cut off my dosage of coffee and cigarettes, only lasted for a day though hahahaha Still trying.. still trying..

The big family of Jetto
it's all about being a warm family. at least that was what jetto has always been until let's say... 4-5 months ago? lately there have been several disagreements, major problems, and also the "Yoko Ono" coming by. so sad to see us like this, miss the old family. i /really/ hope we'll all get through this fine and going back to square one, the warm family we've always been.
Sunday, April 10, 2005
baru saja musibah Haryanto '01 kita lewati, kini Fasilkom kembali berduka.

telah meninggal Daliu Aga Gunawan, Fasilkom '02, a good friend for all of us. semoga amal ibadahnya diterima di sisi Tuhan YME, dia dilepaskan dari segala siksa kubur, dan diampuni segala dosa-dosanya. amin..

may his soul rest in peace.

untuk keluarga yang ditinggalkan, sahabat-sahabat dan teman-temannya, terutama Lambirs, semoga semuanya diberikan kekuatan dan ketabahan untuk menghadapi musibah ini. to Lambirs, we're all here for you, guys! jangan dibebanin ke sendiri, we're always here to have your share of burden. jangan hesitate minta tolong kalau kalian butuh apapun. it's the least we can do to help you all getting through this. be tough!

ps: dan semoga pelakunya segera ditemukan dan diberi ganjaran setimpal baik di dunia maupun di akhirat, AMIN!
Tuesday, April 05, 2005

"When there is life, death is inevitable. Dying's easy; it's living that's hard. The harder it gets, the stronger the will to live. And the greater the fear of death, the greater the struggle to keep on living."

---------------------------------------------- taken from "Big Breasts and Wide Hips" by Mo Yan

care to buy me that novel? *puppy eyes*
Friday, April 01, 2005
two people that had given me the sweetest gifts ever:

to bayu, that was really sweet, bro. i reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally appreciate it. truly something i didn't expect, and cheered me early in the morning. ^^ pengen gue bingkai deh hehehe luv you!

to errr... you know who you are, i can't tell you how much i really appreciate it. knowing the effort, which i realize it must've cost you ALOT of it, really... that was the sweetest gift i've got so far. pas buka tadi mata ampir basah, i'm touched. baru ngerti sekarang kenapa kemaren you gave me those questions hahaha you're one special friend, thank you so much.

and just when i thought the birthday euphoria is over. *grins*

current tune


ndari, nday, ojochan, nenek, burung, bursky, birdy, wulan

obsessed with new york city, vin diesel, yoshiki hayashi, having an apartment, and keeping things clean & tidy

describes herself as anal-retentive, a workaholic, a credit-card abuser, a faghag, suffering from light OCD

luv luv luv coffee, cigarettes, bodyCombat, cocktails, chit-chatting, making friends, organizing, working, the idea of decorating her own apartment, shopping

freaks out over talks about marriage and having kids

hates fruits, mushy-spoiled-and-stupid guys, cooking, people who are not being ontime/ nosy/ judgmental/ who burp in public

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