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Sunday, April 18, 2004
Hi, I'm Monica
hi, i'm monica..... wanna-be. i'm a perfectionist, obsessive & compulsive, control-freak, cleanliness-freak (if there's such word), quite resembles Monica Geller? *grin* yup, i'm a true perfectionist, although not as much as i was before. this has been quite a problem, since i'm demanding quite much from myself. picture this, i have 5 tasks to do, which normally would need 4 - 5 days to finish. the thing is, 4 - 5 days might be enough, or maybe /more/ than enough, for other people to finish those tasks, but i would need 3 - 4 days more. why? cause i would simply need more time to re-check everything, then realizing that a lot of things are still imperfect according to /my/ standard, and then i'd need more time to really finish those tasks. it's a problem since i don't have that much time, nor i have that much energy. this has been a problem of mine since i was still in highschool. things got worse since i would demand perfection from others as well, a perfection that i assume would only be able to be reached by me and only me. i always assume that people won't be able to do things as perfect as i do. when it comes to make group-tasks, it's either i'm being the leader in which i'd be very 'bawel' by checking whether people are doing as i expected or if they aren't, or i'm being led by a person that i admit is more capable than i am, or i'm being led by a person that i don't think is quite capable as i am that i' d take over his/her job. this is a real bad attitude, especially when it comes to the fact that in the end, i tend to see people lower than i am, if you get what i mean. people would see me as a hardworker, since i'm doing everybody's job, and maybe see me stupid since i'm doing everybody's job and make everybody happy because of it. what they /don't/ see is the reason why i'm doing it, which is: i think i'm better than anybody else. my surroundings seem to give quite a contribution to this bad attitude of mine. people somehow tend to approve this attitude, since they don't know my reason, therefore i feel like being approven that i'd keep on doing it. then it leads to character #2: a control-freak. not only in jobs, but also in love-life. and that's simply one of the reasons why i lost mr. fabulous. however, i love the other characters of mine: clean-and-getting-organized-freak! my rented-room a.k.a kost smells like hospitals, according to most people that ever passed by. i would mop the floor with 'karbol', so it'll be disinfected. *grin* i keep everything clean & tidy. my room, my files are organized, then my activities always stick to my agenda, i even have my monthly financial report since i first got my ATM card (8 years ago). well that's me. most people don't really know this side of mine. if they do, i think they'd reconsider their opinions about seeming as a perfect person, cause i'm not. flaws are here and there. a reminiscence just received a birthday card from D. it's the third. i got the first one several days before he departed to US, the second one was last year, and this is the third. it's funny to see how things have changed between us. the first card was when we were still together, so obviously it was still full of "i-love-you"s. the second one was when we were already split, yet still having rebounces. in conclusion, well... you can imagine what's inside the card. the third one, is so neutral, a friend-type of card, the one i just received. i can never be friends with D. no matter how i've already got over him, things can never really be okay. when we first broke up, we ended up to be in a "we-still-love-eachother-but-to-make-up-will-be-something-stupid-so-we-don't-know-what-to-do" kind of relationship. yup, we still say "i-love-you"s to eachother, saying how we missed eachother, how we needed eachother. and this lasted for quite a while, even until D was in a commited relationship with Carol. well you can say it was a light affair between him and me. and now, i've had two boyfriends although now i'm single again, while D's still with Carol. once in a while, D would sms telling me how much he misses our relationship, or how he keeps comparing Carol and me. sometimes i just try to be a good friend by reminding him that he should stick to Carol since it's his own choice. but on other times, i'd actually flirt and would respond to his 'i miss our relationship' thingie, since i do. i do miss our relationship. the feeling of security, of comfort, how come that it's just so hard to have that kind of relationship? i've had once, yet haven't been able to have it again. good looking, good position in his job, and smart is it someting wrong to have those 3 as a part of my criterias when i look for a guy? some people told me that i'm being shallow since i still look for a 'good-looking' guy, but i thought, "why shouldn't i?". the reason is, i don't wanna take the risk that one day, i'm in a steady relationship with a "so-so looking" guy, then i met another guy that's just as nice as my current b/f, yet he looks a lot better and in the end i'd have an affair. and don't tell me that i'm exagerrating, cause it might just happen. why did you think i stick with D, no matter how people tried to match-make me with other guys? well, D was a really good-looking person with a sexy abs. therefore, i always rejected people's offer by saying, "nahhh... my b/f looks alot better than that guy." *laughs* obviously that's just a small reason, apart from the fact that D was really fun, nice, cared, and all. the other thing is that i feel alot more confident to introduce my b/f to other people when he looks nice. well yes that people in the end would judge someone based on his personality. but i believe that first impression matters alot. a good position in his job a.k.a "mapan". i'm a woman. one day i'd get married to a guy, and it's obvious that he's the one who have the responsibility to look for the money, aside from the fact that i'd be working as well and don't mind paying for household matters. it's the feeling of security that i need. smart. need more explanation? so today's entry's theme is about 'guys' and 'me'. *wide grin* dunno, just feel like talking about it. Saturday, April 17, 2004
gue kangen kehidupan gue yang dulu. sibuknya gue adalah sibuk untuk hal2 yang emang gue demenin, dan spare time yg ada bisa gue manfaatin utk pergi sama temen2 gue. kalo lagi punya pacar malah even better, karena spare time itu jadi bisa gue spend ama dia juga. sekarang... man, look at me. sedikit2 mulai kurusan sih, tapi ga sehat sama sekali. mulai kurusan karena gue kurang tidur, karena gue kecapean, dan karena jadwal makan gue udah ga keruan. blon lagi diperburuk dg faktor dompet gue yg lagi kosong, dari kemaren mo ke ATM ga sempet2. the only ATM Niaga yg deket ama kost adalah yg di Margonda. jalan kaki lumayan sih, tapi kalo lagi siang2 mo jalan ke sana asli males.. panasnya nyiksa banget. giliran dah malem, enak sih adem, tapi nyokap ngomel bisa seabad kalo gue ambil duit sendirian. alhasil sarapan tadi cereal (ga keluar duit), makan siang di Warteg Sasari in which gue abis Rp 2,000 saja dg perut yg cukup kenyang makan nasi-mie goreng-sayur buncis, makan malem tadi indomie (simpenan dari rumah utk keadaan darurat kayak sekarang) dg telor yg harganya Rp 300.- gue beli di warung deket kost. baru sadar pas beli telor, dompet gue bener2 kosong. sekarang tinggal Rp 400.-, asli parah. air udah mo abis, roommie gue blon beli Aqua galon, sedangkan duit gue ga cukup buat beli Aqua gelas/botol. parah ni asli..
kemaren sempet kena gejala aneh. jadi the day before gue sengaja tidur cepet karena pengen nabung tidur. pas lagi jam kuliah RPL, ga ada angin ga ada apa, tiba2 detak jantung gue jadi lebih cepet. dan itu bener2 tiba2, wong gue lagi anteng2 aja dengerin kuliah gitu loh. gue itung, sekitar 100 detak/menit. suhu badan tiba2 berasa panas banget, daerah muka apalagi. bener aja, tommy bilang muka gue merah banget. dan mendadak gue pening setengah mati. 1 jam kemudian untung kuliah udah selese, gue langsung balik ke kost, minum 2 aspirin, terus tidur. 2.5 jam kemudian bangun dg kepala pening & perut laper. gue minum 1 aspirin, terus langsung masak oatmeal. baru deh abis itu enakan... tapi still ga menjelaskan itu gejala apaan. malemnya untung dah bisa kerja lagi, akhirnya gue tidur jam 3.30 pagi setelah selese belajar utk ujian tadi sore. jam hidup gue kacau.. gue perhatiin tiap jam 11 malem berasa tenaga gue naek jauh, seolah2 emang seharusnya jam bangun gue jam segitu. dan itu bisa bertahan terus ampe pagi jam 3 ato 4, baru abis itu gue tidur. tidur pun karena cape bukan karena ngantuk. ntar giliran jam 10 pagi baru deh mulai ngantuk beneran. man, my life’s been upside down. gue pengen hidup gue yg duluuu.. gue sibuk ngeliput artikel utk /dilmy, gue nyempetin fitness tiap hari, gue ngajar (baik sebagai asisten dosen ato tutoring di al izhar), then on weekends i’d go out with my girl friends, nyoba new places in town. sekarang? *sigh* pulang ke rumah hari jumat sore, mandi2, terus malemnya langsung latian Jetto. sabtu pagi most likely dah ga ada tenaga utk fitness, sore ke citapen. minggu pagi-siang istirahat, sore udah balik ke kost lagi. aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrgghhhh!!! ini kehidupan macam apa?! gue ga ngerti apa ini tuntutan dari kehidupan kuliah, ato di UI doang, ato di fakultas doang, ato tuntutan dari diri gue sendiri yg ga mau ada sedikitpun flaw di kehidupan gue, apalagi urusannya ama nilai2. diperburuk dg ketakutan gue akan kemungkinan gue fail lagi dan IP gue di bawah 3 lagi. gue butuh istirahat. semua orang yg ketemu gue komentarnya rata2 sama, ampe bosen dengernya, “muka elu nunjukin elu butuh istirahat,” ato “elu kurang tidur yah?”. bleh. 16.04.2004 Thursday, April 15, 2004
so.. where was i? btw baru sadar, kenapa paling terasa menarik tu kalo ngomongin relationships yah? somehow i do know that are some people yang demen baca blog gue ini kalo lagi banyak cerita ttg gue ama a guy, ketimbang my personal complains on life. gue personally pun paling demen kalo nonton reality shows that have to do with relationships, namely "For Love or Money". gue demen karena... apa yah, for the sake of being nosy, I guess. ya pengen tau aja kehidupan orang laen gemana, dan emang paling menarik tu masalah cinta. buat dibahas/digosipin enak, tambah lagi gue jd suka position myself di posisi orang itu, thinking about what would /i/ do if i'm in her/his shoes.
nulis pun buat gue emang lebih enak kalo utk ngomongin hal2 yang bersifat emosional, dan sisi emosi gue ini emang paling gampang muncul kalo pas ada hubungannya ama cinta, huheheheheh.. obviously lah. oh well, anyway, yg gue mo ceritain tadi. so there's this guy yg gue kenal udah... 3 taun kira2, sejak taun terakhir gue di SMA. dia dulunya anak FEUI '98, sekarang dah kerja. awal kenal ya cuma sekedar temenan ajah, baru mulai lebih deket itu setelah gue lulus SMA. pertama kali gue pegi ama dia itu pas gue keterima di UI, kita jalan bareng utk celebrate, which in the end gue traktir dia makan, dia traktir gue nonton. pas masa2 gue baru putus ama D, he was there, dg bagusnya jadi the shoulder to cry on utk gue. dan gue admit kalo selama masa2 pemulihan itu, gue nyamaaaan banget being with him. pernah this one night pas dia ngajak gue pegi, dia cuma bilang sebelum berangkat, "pokonya malem ini elu ga boleh mikirin mantan lu. kita have fun aja tonight!". and i really did! tadinya mo nonton di TIM, tapi berhubung kita nyampenya telat, jadi kita decided utk makan aja di Pisa Cafe terus ke shakers. gue pulang sekitar jam 23.00 dan hebatnya lagi, tumben2an bonyok ga nyariin gue. the next morning, nyokap bahkan setumben2nya nanyain, "gemana tadi malem?" dengan muka riang gembira (dan somehow kalo gue baca itu pertanyaan sekarang, kok jadi kayak nanya "how was the sex last night?" *ngakak sendiri*). intinya, nyokap gue approve banget, dan itu kejadian jarang banget. unfortunately, waktu itu i had no guts to make any further move karena waktu itu gue baru putus, dan gue sendiri ga yakin ama perasaan gue ke dia. gue emang suka, tapi ga tau apakah emang beneran jujur dari hati ato cuma pantaran gue baru putus jadi masih rada2 HBL doang. menyesallah gue ketika tau ga lama kemudian kalo dia udah punya cw, dan tiba2 sepupu gue bilang, "ndar, irwan (pacar sepupu gue yg sahabat this guy) cerita, kalo dia sebenernya suka ama kamu. tapi takut soalnya kamunya baru putus.". wahhh asli... nyesel banget lah. tapi ya ud, life moved on. once in a while we would go out, simply watch movies or have dinner/lunch/coffee. tapi itu bener2 /once/ in a while. pas gue putus ama mr. fabulous, kita mulai deket lagi, gue jg ga tau kenapa. all of a sudden dia balik aja ke sekitar hidup gue, kali ini udah jomblo. we would go out like twice in a month, dan gue seperti biasa selalu enjoy being with him. anggia pas denger ceritanya went really happy karena dia yg ngikutin perkembangan gue ama this guy, dan dukung banget although bilang ama gue supaya bawa jalan ajah. gue sendiri lagi aga2 bingung. i like him alot. not only he's nice, mapan (ini kriteria yang aga2 penting..), and all, tapi yg penting bgt: i always enjoy my time being with him or even just talking to him. sejak jalan yg terakhir, things went awkward utk gue, realizing kalo gue beberapa kali kelepasan ngasi hint yg terlalu jelas buat dia, sehingga gue putusin utk aga2 ngasi jarak lagi. dia sendiri tiba2 melakukan beberapa hal yg ga biasa2nya ke gue, or said things yg dalam kondisi gue lagi suka gini, gue jd sangat GR. tapi gue ga berani consider itu sbg move karena gue sendiri ga objektif, namanya jg lagi suka, apa2 juga keliatan indah. ya ga? :) kita sendiri relationship-nya sekarang udah kayak kakak-adek, gue manggil dia "abang", dia manggil gue "adek". dan utk alasan itu lah gue rada takut utk ngasi hint yg terlalu jelas. kalo dia masih ada "perasaan" buat gue kayak dulu, ya syukur alhamdulillah. lha kalo ngga? yg ada relationship yg gue punya sekarang ama dia take a step backward, jadi temen biasa lagi. dan gue ga mauuuu... lately dia sering nelpon gue cuma utk cerita hal2 yg ga particularly ga keliatan penting, tapi small things yg matter ketika gue tau dia milih utk cerita ama gue ketimbang orang laen. like several days ago, he called cuma utk bilang kalo dia lagi bete banget hari itu karena masalah kantor. ato kemaren ketika dia telepon utk ngabarin dia pengen quit kerja. my point is, apa hubungannya ama gue sampe dia cerita? dan kenapa ke gue? for whatever reasons, gue seneng dia kayak gitu sih. have to admit lah. tapi ya... itu tadi, gue lagi suka ama dia, jadi semua keliatan indah. hahahahaha susah deh. ohkay, time to go upstairs. mo kuliah RPL... makin gila ni jarak antar post gue. ketauan lagi sibuknya parah banget. huuhhh... and so, kini gue sudah memasuki minggu-minggu mid-exams. so far udah 3 ujian lewat, tomorrow would have another one, & the last 2 would be given on next Tuesday. yg udah lewat: 1. Aljabar Linear -> mo marahhhh! terlalu banyak melakukan kesalahan tolol, padahal sebenernya gue bisa. jadi terpaksa rada2 berharap di finals. 2. Basis Data -> susahhh... ternyata tidak semudah yang gue bayangin. pas keluar ruangan, ngecek ama semua orang ko hasilnya ga ada yang sama. nanya Rudi, malah lebih beda lagi. hu-uhh.. udah gitu denger2 ga ada finals, matilah awak. mo memperbaiki nilainya gemana coba? not to mention ada insiden terjadi setelah ujiannya yang bikin gue rasanya pengen NGAMUK sama cunguk2 itu. dasar, ngasi argumen kok pada tolol2 semua. 3. Jaringan Komputer -> amazingly gue ngerasa okay dengan ujian yg satu ini. padahal itu tu ma-kul Jarkom lhohhhh! ma-kul yg selama ini gue ga demen karena terlalu hardware (menurut gue, although ga separah OSK). perjuangan semalaman suntuk cukup membuahkan hasil. tapi ga tau juga sih, p'johny suka ga bisa diduga. ntar yg ada kayak osk lagi, merasa2 lumayan, ternyata nilainya jebol. hiks hiks... besok ujian Probabilitas Terapan, gue ngeri banget. selama ini ga pernah ngerti p'suryana ngomong apa. blon kalo dia udah mulai terdiam setelah panjang lebar menjelaskan, lalu tiba2 memecahkan kesunyian di kelas dengan bilang, "oh, maaf. tadi saya salah." dan semua ilmu yg dia turunin terpaksa gue muntahin lagi dari kepala gue karena ternyata ngaco semua. oh noooo... dengan betenya, ujian ProbTer besok jam 15.00 - 17.00. Jetto manggung di Fak. Psikologi UI jam 16.00. GEBLEG! jadinya gue ga bisa ikut, padahal itu cuma tinggal jalan kaki dari fakultas gue, semprul! padahal kan jarang-jaraaaaang bisa manggung di UI. sekarang berarti tinggal nunggu yang Gelar Jepang PSJ bulan Mei, kalo bisa sih pengen ikut. :( last two would be: Rekayasa Perangkat Lunak & OSK. wish me luck on OSK, gue ogeng kalo harus ngulang mata kuliah ini lagi. tapi seneeeng, tadi p'adi udah afal muka gue. although tadi sempet salah manggil, manggil gue dah kayak p'stef aja "Siti". bleh. kaga demen gue ama tu panggilan. anyway, lately gue mulai berpikir banyak tentang my previous relationship, ternyata menemukan hal2 yang cukup menarik. terutama tentang: "alasan gue memutuskan untuk start a relationship" dan "perasaan gue ketika thinking to start a relationship". let's see.. 1. cahyo :: alasan gue... gue juga ga inget sih, considering it was 7 years ago (gila.. lama juga yah ternyata..). tapi gue inget kalo perasaan gue saat itu ya emang gue jatuh cinta ama dia. wets, gemana yah, namanya juga first love. hahahaha 2. anta :: alasannya ya sederhana aja, emang waktu itu gue sayang ama dia, jadi thinking to give it a shot. dan ternyata gagal total. 3. D :: i was definitely in love with him, head over heels. alasannya... ga ada karena kalo relationship yang committed memang ga pernah ada. dijalanin terus dari temen -> sahabat -> ga jelas. kalo nanya alasan logis ga ada sih, lepas aja pake emosi doang. ya iya lah, kalo mo pake logika sih, gue ga akan pernah mulai apapun sama dia, mengingat chance kita ke depan utk bisa work things out itu mendekati 0. 4. Mr. Narcist :: alasan gue waktu itu, well.. dia qualified banget. gue sendiri sayang ama dia, sebagai temen, i guess. jadi mikirnya juga sederhana aja, coba duluuu... dan ternyata bego. 5. Mr. Fabulous :: alasan gue emang waktu itu gue suka ama dia. dan kita sama2 mikir ya kenapa ga dicoba dulu aja. makin lama dijalanin, ternyata gue makin sayang ama dia. too bad things didn't work out well. rata2 alasan gue itu ternyata emang simply pengen nyoba. you won't know if you don't give it a try, daripada nyesel kan? another story is coming on my love-life, tapi ntaran deh.. ini dah mo kuliah ALin.. :( Wednesday, April 14, 2004
extremely need to sleep. hoeh.
Monday, April 05, 2004
Anggiaaaaaaaaaa..... duh soulmate-ku tercinta ini, selamat yaahhhh! akhirnya Anda mengakhiri status jomblo Anda. mbok ya gitu kek dari kemaren2, punya pacar sekali-kali. heran, kok abis lepas dari Igun malah setop..
Thursday, April 01, 2004
my best birthday ever, surrounded by friends and family.
sounds cliche, but yet it's true. started at 12 AM on the night of 31 march, i was still struggling with the AI project, along with tommy while bayu, wadi, & enrico was hangin' around in my room. precisely at 12, tommy was the first person to congratulate me, followed with the others. only a few minutes after, someone knocked my door, and to my surprise, semua anak2 fasilkom di cornel (minus ko yo, wihu & felu yg lagi pulang, dan anton yg kebablasan tidur) udah ngantri di depan pintu. wuaaa.... senengggg bangettt.. ternyata semuanya inget gue ulang taun. ^_^ langsung lah kita berpesta sampe jam 1 pagi (....20 people or so?) dengan mencoba menghabiskan kue mocca segede2 gaban, the time ketika semuanya balik ke kamar masing2 utk ngerjain tugas2 masing2 (yak, harap maklum.. it's Fasilkom-ers we're talking about here). semuanya balik ke kamar, tinggal lah gue dan tommy berkutat dg tugas sampe jam 3 pagi. telepon ga berenti berdering dari malem sampe malem lagi, even D called early in the morning, congratulated me for my birthday & having quite a conversation with me. man, can't believe i'm 20! things got even better last night. my family (mom-dad-li'l brat) came ke kost, bawa pizza 4 box ama ketan kuning dari eyang (yummmmmm....). jadilah terjadi kembali makan malam bersama di kost bersama keluarga gue plus the Jacks (long story on this one) which includes bayu, tommy, sate. yang bener2 a pleasant surprise adalah ketika ga berapa lama setelah kita mulai makan, ada yang buka pintu (pintu kost gue emang ga dikonci) dan JRENG JRENG... Arif, Boy, Raden, Dimas, Intan, Didit, Andra, Riza datang sambil bawa kue yang dibikinin intan lengkap pake lilin. asli... terharu banget... so ended up last night kamar gue bener2 rame (dg wihu yang menyusul kemudian), yang rombongan sini seperti biasa maen2 yang norak & gokil, yang rombongan satunya ngobrol2 dg bonyok gue, sebelum akhirnya sekitar jam 10 semuanya pulang. definitely the best birthday ever. baru berasa betapa gue harus bersyukur gue punya temen2 yang segitu banyak dan masih sayang & care ama gue. :) alhamdulilllah. |
