strictly on diet i'm very much /not/ confident of the way i look now. i feel that i'm fat, soooo fat. although the last time i checked my BMI, it's still okay. i'm approximately 22, while obese would be the state when the BMI reach any numbers above 25, so basically i'm okay. at least, i'm /supposed/ to be. however, hmm... ever tried to look at yourself on the mirror right before or right after you took a shower? try to do it, take a glimpse on your nude figure, then you'll know how proud or how embarassed you are of your figure. i'm one of those people who's /very/ embarassed. and now Mr. Fabulous is asking me to lose up 8 - 10 pounds, in which he has no idea how HARD that is for me. i've started my diet today. went to the gym this morning, did all the cardio for about 1 hour, then spent the next hour to do the weight training. as for the food, hmm.. let's see...
6 am : 1/2 A&W waffle with nothing (no butter, no honey, no maple syrup) + a glass of low-fat milk
12 pm : rice + tuna + fried egg + daun singkong
4.30 pm : a glass of melon juice
6 pm : a glass of low-fat milk + rice + kangkung + teri
8 pm : a super small portion of gambas soup
i think i did quite okay for the food today. we'll just have to see how tomorrow would end up, hmm...
btw, i've asked Mr. Fabulous to gain another 20 pounds. sometimes going out with with him is simply embarassing, feels like we picture the number "10" (note: i'm the "0", and he's the "1"). i know that it's not really /that/ extreme, but i'm just so not-confident of myself when i'm with him.. *sigh*
just a little note tadinya mo nulis banyak ttg dia, tapi lagi cape karena udah aga2 malem, sedangkan mo nyimpen tenaga utk fitness & aerobik besok pagi.
just wanna say that i'm in love. truly in love with my Mr. Fabulous. really hope that this relationship would last long. *smiles*
gue ga bisa mikir. gue ga bisa mikir. gue ga bisa mikir. haduh haduh haduh.. gue stress gue stress gue stress...
had our first argument yesterday, dan masih berlanjut sampe hari ini. penyelesaian belum ada, dan emang aga mustahil kalau mo diselesein semua sekarang. bener kata isman, gue punya stereotype bahwa relationship dalam 3 - 4 bulan pertama itu so' pasti bakal aman dan damai, baru mulai bulan 4 - 5 tuh biasanya yang banyak berantem2. jadi sekalinya gue ngalamin ini semua, ga cuma shock tapi juga panik.
gue ga bisa cerita detail problemnya apa karena cukup personal. basically ini masalah yang cukup prinsipil. dia banyak nanya, being very critical, dan gue bisa terima itu, karena ketika gue di posisi dia dulu (back in the 12th grade), gue pun luar biasa kritis. tapi ketika gue akhirnya dah tau musti berpegangan ke mana, i stopped being critical and started to accept that some things are simply hard to be explained with logics. dan itu yang dia ga bisa terima. dia merasa bahwa gue seharusnya tetep mempertahankan sifat kritis gue, itu yang bikin gue human. he asked so many questions in which gue tidak dalam kapasitas untuk mampu menjawab. karena jawaban2 gue itu adalah jawaban2 yang subjektif, sesuatu yang gue alamin sendiri. ga menjamin sedikit pun kalo dia akan mengalami hal yang sama juga.
intinya dari kemaren belum ada penyelesaian sama sekali. gue stress banget. gue cuma khawatir kalo dia bakal nyerah, karena semua yang dia omongin nunjukin ke situ sekalipun dia nge-deny. GUE MO GILA. GUE STRESS. GUE GA SANGGUP NGADEPIN MASALAH-MASALAH GINI DI AWAL2 RELATIONSHIP. GUE GA MAU SAKIT LAGI (tapi kepalang basah udah sih... kemaren ngalamin my first cry karena dia...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....). GUE GA MAU KEHILANGAN DIA.
Mr. Narcist hasn't stopped to amaze me. Tuhan emang adil... tadi ga sengaja gue lagi buka guestbook website kantor gue, ada salah satu pesen yg ditujuin ke Mr. Narcist. intinya cw ini bilang makasi utk dinner Mr. Narcist ama dia di malem sebelumnya, dan muji kalo Mr. Narcist itu is a really great dancer. a little 'BING!' was in my mind, reminded me kenapa waktu itu gue sangat tertarik dg Mr. Narcist. terlepas dari segala ke-jijay-an gue dg narcist dan (sometimes) snob-nya dia, have to admit kalo dia itu dream guy banget. cakep, baek, pinter, very romantic, a great dancer, mandiri, agamanya kuat tapi dugem juga hayok alias "gaul" (hehehehe...), what else might you look for from a guy? bisa sih gue fall for him again, tapiiiii......
mengingat semua kejadian dia yang luar biasa membanggakan dirinya dg berlebihan, kirim2 foto dg tujuan supaya kangen gue ke dia bekurang (haduuh... T_T), merasa gue ga worth it diperjuangin pas kita masih jadian (well, if you call /that/ 'jadian', 'that' as in a 4-days-only relationship), naahhh... no way jose. emang Tuhan adil. dia dg segala kelebihan dia dikasih 1 cacat yang rada fatal: narcist.
believe me or not, i can't wait till the day when he gets back here, and would find me being a successful person, beautiful, confident, smart, and worth to fight for, wuahahahahahahahahahah!!! *maniacal laugh*
btw, kemaren Mr. Januari dateng pas JGTC. situasi udah rada2 ga lucu karena begitu dia dateng, anak2 (dan dengan luar biasanya, KEBETULAN BANGET pas lagi lengkap geng2 Al Izhar. ada bay'mbe, tar'nag, iqbal, bima, putur, anta, angga, rido, anggi, rully, anggia, anggita, pepeng, chicha asam, achie, dipta) langsung pada ngeliat ke gue. ADOOHHH.. kenapa gosip menyebar cepat sekali di Al Izhaaaaar... huuu huuu.... anyway, gue blon negor dia, tau2 dia narik iket rambut gue, dan langsung lah anak2 senyum2 ngeliatin gue.
not so long gue ciao duluan, mo mendekat ke arah panggung, ninggalin anak2 yang berniat ke PL Fair. so akhirnya gue bergabung dengan mr. fabulous dan 2 temen dia di antara ribuan penonton. en yu now wat? Mr. Januari ga berenti telepon dan sms pengen nyusulin gue. not let's see... gue lagi sama yayang gue, hmm.... terus Mr. Januari mo gabung, HMMMM.... aga2 ga lucu, don't you think? so i ended up ngacangin sms/telpon dia, baru reply tu malem banget pas dia udah pulang dan acara udah selese, hehehehehe.. jahatnya guee...
oh not forgot to mention kalo gue sempet kekunci di depan kos jam 12 malem, hiks!
and it's finally done Debian Conference #1 akhirnya usai sudah. gue seneeeeeeeeeeeeeng banget. not only seluruh acara berjalan lancar (meskipun kalo ada kamera menyorot muka PO-nya di belakang panggung, bakal langsung keliatan muka stress setengah mati), tapi saldo kita juga nol! hahahahaha senaaaang! don't take me wrong, saldo nol bikin seneng karena perbandingannya adalah kalo saldonya minus. itu ekspetasi awal gue, mengingat sampe H-1 jumlah peserta yang udah daftar masih jauh dari target. which means, kalo kondisi itu bertahan sampe hari-H, berarti alamat PO dan ketua senat harus aga2 nombok pake duit pribadi, hoeeee... well apparently ternyata pas hari-H, jumlah dana yang terkumpul dah cukup untuk menghilangkan semua hutang kita.
di luar itu pun, hasil kerja seluruh panitia bener2 bikin gue bangga. baru sekali gue bikin kepantiaan untuk bekerja dalam waktu kurang dari sebulan, mencari sponsor kurang dari 3 minggu, publikasi pun cuma sekitar 10 hari sebelum acara, dan acara bisa berjalan dengan sukses (sukses dg tolak ukur gue pribadi lho hehehe). yang gue utangin terima kasih tu:
1. Franky - untuk pinjeman Rp 1.3 juta-nya dia.
2. Joseph - untuk loads of works yang gue timpain ke dia, dan bisa dia handle semua dg sangat luar biasanya
3. Vita - sekretaris tercinta yang kerjanya oke banget
4. Adong - ketua senat yang kadang2 udah aga2 gue lupain kedudukannya dan instead gue perlakuin kayak bawahan gue sendiri hahahahaha
5. Bima & Dwi - mau bekerja merangkap jadi supir dan publikasi
6. for the rest of the committee, for having faith on this event, even in some points when we thought that this was an impossible plan to be fulfilled.
fuaahhhhhhh gue puas bangeett.... *exhales*
you are the sunshine of my life.. (Stevie Wonder TM) my relationship with mr. fabulous is going really well now. things have been going pretty amazing, in which at some points i wonder if this is real.. *smiles*
for the past week he went to campus quite often, whlist i kept trying to make some time to see him. so in the end, we kept seeing eachother. we spent most of the times to chat, or simply walking around the university with nowhere to go, heheh. once he went by to my rented-room (buset, kost2an tu bahasa inggris-nya apa yah...), and we spent 3 hours sitting outside my room, chat about any topic that we could think of. usually i'd be bored, but strangely, i didn't. then yesterday he went to my room early in the morning, and we took a stroll around the uni, and had breakfast together. i believe that those were simple things, but truly meant alot for me. on my previous relationships, my guys would only saw me when we went somewhere, in which -obviously- i'd show up feeling all pretty after spending 30 mins to 1 hour to dress up. but this time, mr. fabulous had seen me when i still had my 'muka bantal' when i woke up in the morning, when i had my bad hair day after a really hectic day, on any other situations when i felt so ugly, and those were situations in which none of my ex-es had ever seen me before. *grin*
i really didn't see this coming. the day when i told him that i like him, none of these were in my expectations. what i had on my mind was simply trying to go on with this relationship, as simple as it could be. /if/ things could work out, then it'll be great. but if things couldn't, then maybe we're just not meant to be. but now, i realize that i can't afford to lose every single part of him! i've reached the same place when i was in luv with D before, and i'm so glad. after our break up, i thought i would never reach this point ever again. i won't deny that i still have my traumas, but mr. fabulous have acted so wonderful by truly being patient and really helpful on trying to help me to get over my traumas of my relationship with D.
he's just /so/ nice, you can even tell by looking into his eyes. i introduced him to my bestfriends, Anggia & Anggita. they had the same impression, that he's nice. another thing is that he's so different from my type (assuming that my type is a guy whose physical appearance would look like D), same comment that Rully once said to me. now.... i came up with a question that could it be possible for someone to be in luv with 2 characters that are totally different? i mean aren't we suppose to have an ideal figure in our minds, that we'd search for that kind of figure /only/?
D is a very loud person, extrovert, fun, loves to joke, rarely being serious, enjoys clubbing, enjoys trance music, heavy smoker, witty, can make important decisions based on his instinct, hmm... well.. you can imagine him now, right? while mr. fabulous is a person who's introvert, serious-in-your-first-impression-but-fun-to-talk-to-when-you-click-with-him, enjoys to have serious & deep conversation about anything, hates crowded places, hates clubs, a big fan of jazz music, a very cautious person, smart, hates cigarettes & alcohols, well... you get my point lah.
as you can see, those two are just SO different, which sometimes leaves me wondering how could this ever happened?
when we were together, i used to imagine my future being with D. but after our break up, i tried to really open my eyes, think clearly & objectively, and in the end i came up with the conclusion that he's not for me. he's so fun to be with, but to imagine a serious future with him, i knew that i should really re-think about it. his way of thinking and some of his decisions that has to do with his life are the things that i object sometimes. while being with mr. fabulous, i can see clearly where this would lead, as long as we maintain this relationship well. if this happens, i knew that this would last long, and this would even end up really good.
do i think too much? or maybe i'm taking my relationship too serious? it's just that i'm so damn afraid that this'd fail again. i really don't wanna feel all the pain of losing someone again, the pain of ending a relationship that i expect would end up great but instead it's not, and i really don't want him to be someone else's. i want him to be mine only.
*sigh* when i'm in luv, i'm no more the tough woman everyone had seen me before. no more the woman who's so independent that simply doesn't need a man to be accompanied with. when i'm in luv, i'm being a simple woman who enjoys the whole feeling of luv and being luved in return.
he had made me changed bit by bit. everyone knows the level of my activities, and getting used to the fact that it's so hard even to schedule a simple coffee break with me. but for the first time in my life, i'm willing and i managed to keep sparing some time to be with him, even for a quick 15 minutes chat with him. trust me, you don't see that happening in me /ever/ before. then, everyone knows how addicted i am to my cell phone, that i can't leave anywhere without it. but yesterday when i had breakfast with mr. fabulous, i purposedly left my cell phone in my room, as i wanted to be with mr. fabulous without any disturbance from anyone. he also made me promise not to drink again (i used to be a social drinker, a very light one. i'm in luv with White Russian!), something i would never do before since that means that he's interfering with my life & my decisions. so well... it's quite a change.. :)
ever felt that you're getting crazy because of luv? the feeling of head over heels helplessly in luv with someone that you'd do anything to make him/her happy whenever he/she is being with you?
senangnyaaa... akhirnya punya waktu untuk ngisi blog lagi.
first thing first, SELAMAT IDUL FITRI! to anyone who's reading this, kalo gue pernah ada salah2, maafin gue yaaa...
secondly, to Adhit, congratulations on your book! however, aku setuju sama kata isman, editornya rada gegok deh kayaknya (unless elu emang sengaja bikin 'mistakes' itu). sering banget nemu sentences yang di-bold tapi ga jelas tujuannya apa. kalo utk penekanan, ko ga jelas penekanan untuk apa. kalo di-bold karena itu judul sub-bab, definitely ngga. contohnya yang "Mahasiswa UNB. Bau Naga."
man, kenapa ga yang kamu tulis di milis waktu itu kamu kirim ke Adhit ajah?
but still, congratulations. dan tengkyu BUANGET dah mention nama gue di lembar makasih-nya. heheh tiap ada temen deket gue yang nanyain buku apa yang lagi gue bawa (which obviously ya buku 'Jomblo' lu itu lah), gue langsung buru2 buka halaman makasih itu terus nunjukin nama gue ke mereka. HUEHEHEHEHEHE...
to all yang ga nangkep dari tadi gue ngomong apa, jadi begini... teman blogger saya yang ini, Adhitya Mulya, yang link ke blog-nya dengan jelas terlihat di tab kanan under the name 'adhit', finally berhasil mempublish buku bikinannya. ceritanya komedi, dg ending yang aga2 di luar dugaan, karena at least menurut gue sih, udah ga komedi sama sekali. judulnya 'JOMBLO sebuah komedi cinta'. i'd say, BELI DAN BACA LAH! ga rugi sama sekali. for further information, liat aja di blog-nya dia.
and i'm giving up in the end akhirnya gue memutuskan untuk mengurungkan niat menulis puisi. why? karena emang gue mentok banget. jadi begini, once in a while ketika gue MERASA ada inspirasi, gue ambil notes dan pensil. gue tulis the so-called-inspiration. the problem is, the so-called-inspiration ini cuma berhasil mengeluarkan maksimal 3 kata, terus gue mentok lagi. boro-boro 3 kata itu berhubungan, sayangnya tidak! jadi cuma 3 kata lepas yang melayang2 di kepala gue, dan ga membantu sama sekali untuk membuat puisi.
sekalinya gue lagi eager banget to make one, gue dihantui dengan kekhawatiran bahwa itu bakal jadi norak. apalagi ya kayak 2 bait yang gue sempet post sebelumnya. di mata gue itu cukup bagus, tapi liat respon orang2 banyak yang bilang jelek. wah gawat... ternyata emang bener2 subjektif banget penilaian orang terhadap karya seni. ga tau apakah karena sifat perfeksionis gue, tapi maunya gue kalo emang gue bikin puisi yang gue anggep bagus, /semua/ orang juga musti nganggep bagus. hehehehe.. banyak maunya yah gue..
so in the end, i'm giving up. kayaknya simply emang itu tu bukan my field, jadi aga2 ga bisa dipaksa juga :P utk semua yang udah ngomentarin postingan gue sebelumnya, tengkyu yahh..
forgiven but not forgotten Lebaran baru lewat. Mr. Idiot ngirim gue sms, minta maaf lah obviously. gue.... setelah perjuangan batin yang cukup hebat akhirnya memutuskan untuk memaafkan dia. tapi ga gue pungkirin bahwa everything that had happened ga bakal gue lupain sampe gue mati. bener2 bikin gue kapok untuk membuat any kinds of relationship dg dia, even as a friend! tadi pula, nelpon nonstop ke HP gue. satu, gue ga ngenalin itu nomer telepon siapa karena ga ada di phonebook. dua, biarpun dah gue reject/ignore, masiiiiiiiiih aja tetep telpon. rada gedek akhirnya gue sms "ini siapa? gue lagi kuliah." in which di-reply,
"EH WUL2 SOMBONG KALI BAH DI TLP NGGA DIANKAT2 BLK NGGA KE RMAH ADA YG PERLU GW AMBL NI DATA PROP J&BBQ SAMA RHYTM OF BOSAS".
lebih kurang gitu lah, maap2 kalo ada salah2 nih.
well itu lebih dari cukup untuk nge-boost tingkat kebencian gue sama dia. gue ga tau itu yang ngirim dia ato partnernya dia sebenernya, tapi ngeliat susunan grammar yang kayak ee', gue cukup convinced kalo itu sms dikirim sama Mr. Idiot. kenapa successfully nge-boost you said? well di luar faktor dia nelpon NONSTOP meskipun dah gue reject/ignore (tell me, my friends. kalo elu nelp org & ga diangkat2 atau di-reject, won't you think there's gotta be a reason why he/she is doing it? at least kalo gue sih mikirnya gitu dan bakal berenti telepon.), faktor yang lain adalah sms dia yang semuanya CAPS LOCK dan ga gitu menyenangkan isinya. tauk lah... TERSERAH!
seumur hidup blon pernah gue benci sama orang, at least ga pernah sampe kayak gini. gilaaaa... tu orang satu bener2 bikin semua pahala gue hancur deh.
pengen ngomongin several other things sebenernya, tapi aga2 ga keburu. ini masih nungguin 1 anak buah lagi demo program, abis itu mo langsung balik ke kos, jadi sambung besok aja deh..