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Tuesday, March 30, 2004
np : Michael Buble – Summer Wind
happy birthday to me i would be 20 years old two days from now. man, i feel so old. aneh aja rasanya sekarang udah berkepala 2, wuih.. ga berasa waktu cepeeet banget berlalu. to remember that last year gue masih ngerayain ulang taun gue yang ke-19 bersama oniichan-tachi plus oneechan (sayang waktu itu anne ga dateng yah, don?), itu aja udah berasa besar banget. apalagi sekarang. lebih berasa lagi ketika mulai nginget umur friendship gue with a couple of friends. namely oniichan-tachi, particularly isman & raya. two days from now would make our brother-sister-ship (hahahaha vocab apaaaa lagi nih..) genap sekitar 6 taun. lalu anggia, sahabat tercinta gue yang otomatis dengan ulang taun kami yang ke-20 dua hari lagi, berarti kami resmi sudah kenal selama 20 tahun dan been best friends for mmm.. 10… 11 years maybe? wow. lucu sih ngelihat perubahan di diri sendiri. yang paling berasa adalah hubungan gue dengan bonyok dan dengan si kampret kecil. kalo dulu di antara gue dan bonyok ada tembok dari baja yang tinggi banget dan bikin hopeless karena sepertinya ga akan pernah bisa gue lewatin, kalo sekarang, well.. amazingly nyokap udah jadi temen curhat gue. sesuatu yang gue pikir ga akan pernah bisa terjadi. even better karena sekarang gue jadi jembatan nyokap-adek gue, since they don’t seem to ‘speak in the same language’. sama si kampret kecil pun gue jadi lebih deket, constantly jadi temen curhat dia. np : Michael Buble – That’s All gue pengen… apa yah utk ulang taun ke-20 ini… yang jelas, gue pengen lebih kurus. asli itu obsesi gue. bukannya apa2 sih, cuma gue merasa sangat tidak pede dengan figure gue sekarang. sekarang gue dah ngubah pola makan gue, giving up on diets. dengan kerennya, the minute when i gave up on my diet, i started to lose weight, hahaha then on this birthday, i wish that i’d grow a lot more mature, sukses kuliah semester ini dengan syarat ga ada yang ngulang dan IPS gue bisa di atas 3 lagi. apalagi yah.. gue pengen jumlah temen gue nambah terus (makin gaul nih, cieee….), dan gue sukses me-manage waktu. a lack of time-management well, speaking of time-management, i realize that currently that’s the thing i’m lacking of. waktu cuma 24 jam dan gue sadar itu ga bisa ditawar-tawar lagi. cuma kok susah banget yah rasanya nge-manage waktu itu. on weekends i’d go home bringing all my text books, with … eh bentar.. np : Trio Rio – New York Rio Tokyo heheh.. i love this song. where was i? ah yes, on weekends i’d go home bringing all my text books, thinking that i’d read them. you can guess what would happen, don’t you? the books would be left untouched, and i’d bring them back to my rented room (duh.. bhs inggrisnya ‘kost’ tuh apa yah?). on the next weekend, i’d do the same thing, and the same thing would happen once more. *sigh* dudul banget deh. monday till friday, i’d spend my time working on the projects and homeworks. having no time to study and read my text-books. getting closer and closer to my mid-term exams, i’m getting panic with this routine of mine. tapi emang serba salah. proyek Artifical Intelligence/Sistem Cerdas gue harus selese in about 1 – 2 weeks from now. sedangkan sejauh ini baru rampung sekitar 50%. dari yang masih semangat, sampe udah mo muntah tiap musti nge-debug. gemana ngga? kadang2 pesan error yang muncul sama, sampe udah afal kalo error yang begini pasti kesalahan ada di baris kesekian. jam kerja proyek ini dari jam 8 malem (kadang start lebih cepet, jam 7-an) sampe jam 2 pagi (kalo masih semangat, bisa sampe jam 3 pagi). saben hari ya begitu itu. ngadepin program ratusan baris, ga selese2, gemana ga mo muntah coba???? np : EWF – Fantasy ini udah hari ke… berapa belas lah ngejalanin rutinitas kayak gini. gue capeeee banget. dah ga enjoy. hari ini akhirnya taking a break, merayakan tugas Jarkom yang sudah selese (although gue ga ikut ngerjain sama sekali karena pembagian tugasnya: Ndari-Tommy ngerjain SC ; Wadi-Enrico ngerjain Jarkom). gue spend the evening utk tidur sekitar 1.5 jam, dan astaga… gue ga inget kalo tidur bisa seenak itu. the past few weeks, mo tidur susaaaah banget. giliran tidur, either ga mimpi ato mimpiin “getPreviousNode….. null…. NullPointerException…”. SERIUS! asli menghantui kepala abis, amit-amit dah. bangun gara2 dipanggil Tommy dari gedung seberang, ternyata mereka baru balik dari kampus (which was like… 9 PM) langsung minum & mulai ngerapiin catetan2 gue yang udah keteter parah utk beberapa minggu ke belakang. selese rapiin catetan OSK, berpikiran utk nulis entry di blog dulu sebelum beranjak ke ALin. np : EWF – September eh bentar… . . . . done. tadi Tommy lagi mampir ke sini, sekedar say hi. dia keliling2 di kost kita, ngunjungin temen2 dari 1 kamar ke kamar laen, for the sake of merayakan hari istirahat ini hahahaha intermezzo ada yang pernah coba Pillow Pop? itu kayak chiki rasa keju, tapi jauh lebih elit. komposisinya juga beda banget, tapi enaaaaaaaaaaakkk… *tears flowing* thank goodness di lemari tinggal 1 bungkus, bahaya kalo masih banyak.. alamat gendut lagi ntar. hehe np : Syaharani – Tersiksa Lagi searching for a new love .... ... .. . jijik ga sih baca judul paragraf ini? gue aja jijay ko bacanya. so here i am, feeling comfortable already being single once more. tumben2an sekali ini ga ada pengumuman ke seluruh dunia (dunia = semua temen2 gue) kalo gue udah putus, beberapa sahabat deket gue malah belum tau. yang bener2 tau paling2 ya sahabat2 gue di kampus plus anggia. ternyata nyaman juga ko jomblo, dan no, ini gue sedang tidak menghibur diri. *grin* putus sama mr. fabulous kemaren membuat gue rada2 mikir. questioning apa iya gue siap utk pacaran. kemampuan gue utk kompromi sama pacar rendah (although aga2 depend on who the guy is), kesibukan gue juga gila (orang2 yang kenal deket ama gue pasti tau kalo gue ga dikasi kerjaan udah serasa dibunuh perlahan), dan the thing about me having mostly guy-friends. gue tau ga semua, dan mungkin sebagian besar co, bakalan ga betah ngadepin 3 hal tadi (tapi ko dulu bisa betahan approx. 2 taun ama D? hayoo.. *bingung*). raya yang notabene udah kayak pacar gue sendiri aja terakhir sempet marah2 di sms, pantaran gue ga sempet bahkan untuk angkat telepon/reply sms dia. np : Wayman Tisdale – Say I Do sekarang sih personally lagi ga HBL (untuk yang belum tau, it stands for “Haus Belaian Lelaki”), terutama karena gue lagi enjoy jalanin semua sendiri. kebayang kalo pada saat2 ini punya co, apalagi model2 yang minta diperhatiin mulu, asli… yang ada bakalan berantem tiap hari deh. sekarang toh jadi enak juga karena gue ga repot minta2 izin lagi kalo mo pegi with my guy-friends. emak gue juga hepi ngeliat gue kayak gini, being close with guys which she considers ‘qualified’. dia lebih seneng gue punya pacar banyak tapi ‘berkualitas’ semua sebenernya, gue tau banget. maunya dia gue tinggal milih aja ntarannya hahahaha parah tu asli emak gue, gue aga2 kaget juga pas tau dia ternyata mikirnya kayak gitu. biasa lah orang tua, pengennya nyari bibit-bebet-bobot. kadang malah wanti2 ke gue, “kamu jangan marah kalo mama mo ngenalin kamu ke anak2nya temen mama. kan cuma kenalan ini, ga dijodoh2in.”. dasar emak2.. over all, i’m feeling quite happy with myself now. cuma bemasalah di time-management yang gue mentioned above ajah. np : Wayman Tisdale – Stay doing things i love jetto dan asciipella. yang satu band gue, yang satu lagi small choir di kampus. the latter is the one i just joined last week, and my.. am i excited about it. *big smile* jetto masih terus maju, although job bulan ini lebih rendah dibandingin bulan kemaren. our last performance was quite a disaster though. manggung 30 menit tapi kacau banget. mulai dari yang keasikan maen terus adaptor boy lepas, dan gilanya itu di tengah2 dia lagi solo! hadohhh.. jelek banget. terus gue yang sempet salah pencet not, ga tau deh itu kedengeran ato ngga. terus raden yang sempet salah ngegebuk drum pas Driver’s High, oh tidaaak… sekarang lagi berusaha fixing things up. goal sekarang adalah nyempurnain lagu2 yang kita maenin, jatah minggu ini: Kasou & Blurry Eyes. btw, gue bikin lagu loh minggu lalu pas latian! sebenernya ga sengaja sih.. awalnya itu pantaran latian kita lagi sangat ga efektif. raden baru putus, gue masih kecapean karena dihajar SC 3 malam berturut2 sampe jam 3 pagi (dan tidur paling2 cuma 3 – 4 jam), malik & arif ga dateng. lengkap deh semua faktor yang bikin latian ga kondusif. eniwei, the week before gue sempet asal2 pencet chord yang ternyata jadi enak kalo dimaenin. nah the same chords ini yang akhirnya kami terusin utk jadi lagu beneran. udah dapet verse ama reff, tapi blon tau lanjutannya gemana. dg kerennya, boy minta gue bikinin partiturnya. asli, gilingan padi… asciipella udah berdiri lama, that’s as far as i know. ternyata mereka cukup serius utk bikin small choir ini, tampaknya cukup sering ikut lomba2 gitu. nah.. anak2 yang dulu ambil mata kuliah seni vokal (including me) memutuskan untuk akhirnya bergabung. gue sendiri emang demeeeen banget ama nyanyi. paling sering nyanyi di kamar mandi hahahaha kualitas suara sih mood2an, kalo lagi bagus bisa bagus banget (kayak dulu pas nyanyi di acara penggalangan dana buat Aceh di sekolah, dan bikin bbrp orang yang ga pernah tau gue bisa nyanyi jadi cukup kaget), tapi kalo lagi jelek ya jelek banget (sehingga gue diberhentiin jadi backing vocals-nya jetto, semprul). then, /dilmy. ini sebenernya salah satu hal yang gue enjoy banget jalanin, cuma again.. lagi bingung ngatur waktunya mo gemana. thank goodness gue ga digaji, kalo ngga kan ga enak banget ama chief gue. sekarang nulis artikel lagi dikiiiit banget. lagian, mo bikin reportase apaan sementara gue di depok mulu ngerjain tugas. hu-uh.. entering the real world hopefully kalo berhasil, gue mo internship di SingTel this July-August. two whole months karena toh thanks to pemilu, kuliah baru dimulai lagi bulan September. doain yah.. as i really hope that i’d make it. takut sih, biar cuma magang, tapi kalo keliatan bego & ga bisa ngerjain apa2 kan ya buat apa juga. bikin malu doang, hehe terakhir gue minta diposisiin di field antara database ato programming, gara2 ada persyaratan bahwa gue hanya boleh ngambil yang sesuai dengan field of study gue. padahal kalo ga ada syarat itu, gue dah niat mo ambil yang rada social. but oh well, ini kalo bisa tembus aja gue udah bersyukur banget. wish me luck. monday, 29 march 2004 .. 10:48 pm Thursday, March 25, 2004
jam hidup bergeser... jam bangun jam 7 malem - 3 pagi, jam tidur jam 3 pagi - 11 siang.
shit. gue ngantuk. gue capek, kuliah makin berat dengerin karena gue ngantuk. TUGAS SC BLE'EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE..... kenapa selalu muncul error baru tiap selese debug 1 problem, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Tuesday, March 16, 2004
What's wrong with nice guys?
Naughty guys always get the girl -- or do they? by Lynn Harris Bad to the Bone James Dean, James Bond. Colin Farrell. Hugh Grant in Bridget Jones's Diary. That high school senior with the leather jacket who'll probably be a senior again next year. What do they all have in common? They smolder. They smirk. They smoke. They are tragically troubled, fatally flawed. They are physically unable to call when they're supposed to. They are bad boys. And goodness, how we love them. "Our love affairs with bad boys sweep us off our feet time and time again," says Carole Lieberman, MD, coauthor of Bad Boys: Why We Love Them, How To Live with Them, and When to Leave Them (Dutton, 1997). "They can be unpredictable, dishonest, or downright mean, but scoundrels have always had an undeniable appeal to many of us -- an erotic edge of danger that's hard to resist." Still, in real life and in real relationships, our love for bad boys -- and yes, also for the "nice guys" who hate them -- is actually quite nuanced. Read this good vs. bad boy guide to debunk some male myths and find out who really does finish first. Why Do We Love Bad Boys? The going (and rather creepy) theory -- usually advanced by nice guys complaining about the "jerks" who get their girls -- is that women must simply like to be mistreated. That's not a very nice thing to say, is it? There's actually much more to this seemingly paradoxical pull, such as: - Low self-esteem. True, some women do think, on some level: "I don't deserve someone better." (It comes in other versions, too, such as: "You're right, drugs are more interesting than I am," etc.) - Dear old dad. It's an Oedipal thing. That is, we have the sense that our fellas should not be like our fathers. As single New Yorker Janet, 30, puts it: "If a guy treats me well he reminds me of my father. I don't want to date my father." - Not so dear old dad. There's also the opposite scenario. "Did Dad abandon us through divorce? Was he emotionally unavailable? Abusive? Having an affair?"asks Dr. Lieberman. "Those kinds of scenarios drive us to prove we are loveable by making a hard-to-get bad boy love us." - Homme Improvement. "Women love projects," says Janet. "Bad boys suggest that alterations can be made." - Feeling special. "I used to think that dating someone who snubbed the rest of the population but nuzzled with me was quite a victory," says single woman Melissa, 25, of Chapel Hill, North Carolina. - Challenge, danger, adventure. We want them; bad boys offer them. (Who says we're the weaker sex?) But Does That Mean "Nice Guys" Are Boring? Not at all. "Nice isn't boring, boring is boring," says Rachel, 30, a single woman in Toronto. Why, then, do people tend to make the nice-equals-boring equation? Here's one theory: when "nice" is the only word you can think of to describe someone, they're boring. Hence the association. More specifically, when we say someone's "nice" -- or even "too nice" -- we often mean that he's too nice...to the world. That he has too few opinions, too soft a spine, too little nerve. We prefer some sass, a bit of backbone, a little harmless mischief. "I tend to go for naughty-ish men, but it's not the naughtiness itself that attracts me," says Caroline, 39, a single Minneapolis woman. "It's an irreverent attitude, an iconoclastic gesture, or some other rejection of life's cookie-cutter expectations." So sure, we like nice -- when "nice" means kind, compassionate, and thoughtful. After all, if you think about it, "thoughtful" can also mean "interesting." Do Women Date Naughty Guys but Marry Nice Ones? This notion sounds an awful lot like the irritating good-girl/bad-girl distinction that men continue to make. Still, it does contain a nugget of sense. Since women truly are conditioned to be "good girls," sometimes we feel uncomfortable with or guilty about that pure burning "I must have him!" feeling. That's why we sometimes seek out a bad boy to serve as the object of these desires, says Cleveland psychotherapist Belleruth Naparstek, creator of the Health Journeys series of guided imagery tapes. "In order for the deliciousness of pure lust to be 'okay,' it has to be for the symbolic bad boy who has nothing to do with the rest of your life. With him, you can crank up your animal impulses, worry-free," she says. source: http://women.msn.com/514741.armx ----- *giggles* ini gue ama Anggia banget... Friday, March 12, 2004
just had a bit thought of him, and man... it sure /is/ painful.
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
25 hours a day, 8 days a week
ever heard that quote before? gue sempet nemuin quote itu di beberapa barang2 gue yang merk-nya "Workaholic". seriously, emang ada brand itu. eh, bukan brand sih, cuma ada 1 kelompok items yang pake icon2 Workaholic (tempat disket, kotak pensil, buku tulis, map, etc.) lengkap dengan quote tadi itu. gue selalu beli karena sukaaa banget ngeliatnya. anyway, bukan itu yang pengen gue bahas sekarang. yang pengen gue point out di sini adalah ya bahwa sekarang gue butuh waktu itu, 25 hours a day, 8 days a week. gue ga tau apa time management gue yang lagi buruk banget, tapi sekarang bener2 berasa kurang banget utk ngelakuin semua yang gue mau. gue pengen: rutin jogging setiap pagi, kuliah, belajar, ngerjain tugas, mandi/sholat/makan/daily activities, blon ditambah kegiatan2 ekstra seperti ngajar, asistensi, dan aerobik/fitness. dan sekarang2 ini gue merasa waktu kurang banget. unless gue mau mepetin semua kegiatan itu dalam 1 hari, tapi dengan konsekuensi jam tidur gue kurang dan itu biasanya ngerembet ke gue sakit, ngantuk pas kuliah, ato apa lah. gue niat mo ngerutinin jogging jam 5.30 - 6.30an pagi. dari jam 6.30 - 7.30 itu jatah gue mandi dan sarapan, setelah itu berangkat kuliah. ambil lah contoh hari selasa, ketika kuliah gue selese jam 3. nyampe ke kos paling cepet jam 3.30, itu pun kalo pak eko lagi ga korupsi waktu kuliah (baca: selese kuliah jadi molor sampe jam 3 lewat). abis itu nyampe kos istirahat bentar, sholat, siap2 utk aerobik. jam 4.30 paling telat gue udah jalan kaki menuju ke studio aerobiknya di Margonda (and trust me, itu salah satu daerah yang mobil2nya paling ganas buat diseberangin selain Sudirman). aerobik sampe jam 6, plus ongkos waktu ganti baju, ngambil nafas, dan jalan kaki balik lagi ke kos, ending2nya baru nyampe jam 6.45an. sampe jam 7.30 gue berurusan dengan mandi-memandi dan ngeringin rambut. ngeringin rambut ini rada ongkos waktu karena listrik di kos cuma 300 watt jadi angin yang keluar dari hair dryer ga gitu panas. kalo ga gue keringin, yang ada ntar gue pening. jam 7.30-8.00 adalah waktu gue makan. jam 8 baru akhirnya gue start belajar sampe jam 12 ato jam 1. itu pun kadang harus milih antara belajar dan ngerjain tugas karena waktunya ga cukup utk ngerjain dua-duanya. mo bilang gue bomba karena 5 jam ga cukup utk ngerjain tugasnya? kalo gitu coba deh ngerasain bikin game dari scratch, asli mabok... mikirin algoritmanya, solusi utk semua problem yang mungkin timbul, blon kalo lagi ada ide2 utk bikin programnya efisien. asli 5 jam ga cukup. dengan aktivitas segitu, trust me, tidur 4 - 5 jam masih kurang, masih berasa banget capenya. lately things have gone worse karena selaen capek fisik, mentally gue juga lagi capek banget. AAAARRRRGHHHHH.... Found a very interesting quiz: "Do You Need a Man in Your Life?" wasn't surprised when i got the result, although rada pengen ngakak pas baca, hehehehe.. ------------------------------------------------------- Me? Need a man? For heaven's sakes, why? You're independent, capable, and resourceful. You're willing to venture into the world solo to see what (and who) it holds, and you don't crumble when it folds. You understand that a mediocre date is worse than no date at all. You can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan, and do it all without a man. In general, you've got a healthy attitude that's appropriate to midlife. If you're biologically past mating, your most instinctive needs have changed so that you can adjust to a peer group where women outnumber men. In short, you're self-sufficient in most every way -- financially, emotionally, intellectually. But are you ever lonely? Are you deliberately avoiding men because they're too much trouble? "Women are often used to thinking that a romance has to be finalized, it has to be going someplace," says psychotherapist Marjorie Hansen Shaevitz, author of The Confident Woman: How to Take Charge and Recharge Your Life (Three Rivers, 2001). "But at this age, that doesn't matter. Maybe the relationship is just nice for now. Commitment can be a good thing, but it can also make life more complicated." "The real question," says Shaevitz, "is not whether you need a man in your life, but do you have people in your life who are available and who fulfill your needs for emotional support, laughter, companionship. The answer is to take responsibility for your own happiness, and then surround yourself with people who support that." taken from msn.com Tuesday, March 09, 2004
ada yang udah denger single L'Arc~en~Ciel yang baru "Hitomi no Jyuunin" ? WUAAHHHH... asli bagus banget! although ending-nya ga semegah "Anata", tapi orchestra-nya sendiri wuahhh... bener2 bagus. Tinggal bagian terakhirnya yang kayak Lies & Truth tu yang gue masih cacat maeninnya, semprul.
ada yang punya liriknya? plis plis plis japri gue. arigatou. i'm not going to say that the problem between me and mr. fab is not a big deal nor if it's not important. it is. the thing is, (many thanks to my dearest sis-cousin, Eta) ketika gue coba liat semua matter ini dari "atas" (remember what you told me, bay?), problem itu keliatan sangat kecil dibandingkan dengan problem2 laen di hidup gue. mungkin ini bentuk denial dari badan gue, although i hope that it's not. but really, ketika eta japri gue, ngobrolin masalah rencana kuliah dan kerja kita nanti, man... baru berasa kenapa gue musti mewek2 di urusan kayak beginian. satu, juntrungannya ga jelas mo ke mana. toh dengan gue mewek2 ga akan membuat keadaan lebih baek. gue udah putus. and that's it. problem di antara gue dan mr. fab pun jelas banget memang problem mendasar yang gue rasa butuh tidak hanya toleransi, tapi memang perubahan either dari dia ato dari gue. sebutlah gue egois, tapi utk matter yang satu ini, gue ga mau berubah. that's just the way i make friends, kalo dia ga bisa terima ya sutralah. mo gue paksain yang ada gue stress dia stress. so enough is enough. now where was i ... ngalor-ngidulnya mulai kambuh nih. *thinks* ah yes. two, mikirin problem ini mulu cuma nambahin beban di kepala dan ngehambat gue utk ngelakuin other things. bisa lho, gue udah duduk di kursi perpus dengan buku tulis dan bolpen di tangan dengan niat utk ngerapiin catetan and ended up i did nothing for 15 minutes other than thinking about "us". "us" yang notabene udah ngga ada lagi. three, denial standar dari cewek: emang laki di dunia cuma dia doang. kayak ga ada laki2 laen ajah. tapi biasanya disahut ama hati kecil gue "tapi gue maunya ama dia.". hahahahaha ngga deng, alasan ketiga ini ga valid ko. so three, problem di hidup gue bukan dia doang. dan ketika gue harus set priorities ttg mana yang musti gue selesein, problem ini bahkan udah ga masuk dalam prioritas lagi. why? karena emang udah selesai. yang jadi problem di sini sebenernya tinggal gemana gue nerimanya, which gue cukup confident utk bilang bahwa by time i'll be okay. jurusnya cuma memperbanyak kegiatan dan belajar nerima keadaan. problem2 laen banyak yang musti gue pikirin. mulai dari ngejer materi kuliah gue yang ASLI seabrek2 (ternyata gini toh rasanya ngambil 22 sks... ble'e.), keep up dg jetto supaya gue ga paling bego sendiri, ngerampungin j-nite yang panitianya rada2 ga termotivasi gini, mikirin gue sebenernya mo JADI APA kalo udah lulus nanti (karena gue ogeng kerja di bidang apapun yang terlalu techie), sampe ke sticking to my commitment utk memperbaiki figure gue yang udah melebar cukup parah ini. *grunts* so really, to anyone who's been concerning me, i'm okay & thank /you/. *smiles* tapi ga tau deh kalo tulisan gue di atas justru imply gue coba lari dari masalah gue, nggak lhooo... gue ngeliatnya gini, toh the real problem yang ada sekarang kan adalah utk gue menerima kondisi kalo gue udah putus (heyy! gue bahkan udah bisa menyebut istilah "putus" lho! kemaren2 perasaan susah banget). gue percaya itu masalah waktu sampe bener2 nerima itu, dan on the mean time, i just have to live with it, ya tokh? ya wis lah, moving on to the next stage of my life. Sunday, March 07, 2004
i'm doing good. i'm doing fine. i'm doing okay. *smiles*
Friday, March 05, 2004
then again, emang karma tu ada yah? gue selama ini sih menggunakan istilah itu utk menjelaskan bahwa hal2 yang gue lakuin ke orang laen, bakal kebales ke diri gue sendiri. tujuannya? menghibur diri gue sendiri, bahwa sewajarnya itu terjadi.
'crushed' is maybe quite the right word to describe what i feel now. karma gue dah balik, lega juga sih.. lebih nakutin kalo baru kebayar ni karma masih nanti2. in a way, rasanya pengen marah sama diri sendiri kenapa dulu ngebiarin semuanya terjadi begitu aja pas gue lagi emosional banget. but come to think of it, gue mulai bener2 kenal diri gue sendiri dipicu sama kejadian kemaren, so really.. sebenernya ga ada yang musti gue seselin. bagus malah, gue sekarang jadi tau yang dia rasain waktu itu tu kayak gemana. *ketawa bete* mengibur diri banget ga sih gue?
mo nangis aja juga susah banget perasaan dari tadi. although tau kalo ditahan2 gini cuma masalah waktu sampe muncrat semuanya. tadi baru sempet cerita ke bayu akhir cerita gue gemana, dia senyum & bilang "hey, i've been through worse." lega juga sih, ga berasa sendirian. kita ngalamin kejadian yang particularly sama rada barengan, jadi bisa saling nopang satu sama laen kayaknya. dg gilanya, dari kemaren gue sok tegar. sibuk meyakinkan dia supaya lebih egois when it comes to these kinds of decisions, dalam pengertian berarti dia harus mikirin diri dia sendiri dulu. buat apa juga sibuk mikirin gue sementara dia sendiri kesiksa. tau dia kesiksa ya pada akhirnya nyiksa gue juga. cuma ya itu, the minute keputusan itu keluar, ternyata nyakitin banget. dari tadi gue dah kayak ibu2 hamil, narik-buang nafas mulu biar ga keluar nangisnya. *grin*gue sendiri baru sadar ternyata attitude gue utk sok tegar itu bukan sekedar utk convince dia supaya bikin keputusan yang objektif, tapi juga utk convince diri gue sendiri bahwa this is not really something bad. i really thought that we could've fixed things up, and it /did/ seem so. ga gitu gue sangka bahwa issue itu akhirnya jadi big deal banget, dan cukup merusak semua yang tadinya gue prediksi. then again, hal2 kayak gini emang ga bisa diprediksi sih, soalnya nyangkut perasaan. duhh.. gue ngomong apa sih, dari tadi ngasih argumen2 yang kontradiktif melulu. oh well, the good part is, kalo ada kejadian2 gini, gue cenderung ngelariin ke kerjaan. berhubung lagi ga ada kerjaan, berarti gue bakal lariin ke belajar. amiinn... moga2 efektif deh. gue lupa kalo hal2 kayak gini bisa segini nyakitinnya. *exhales* |
