a daily scoop of my life
 
 
Sunday, November 23, 2003
gue ga pernah ngerti gemana cara orang bisa bikin puisi2, tanpa ngebikin jadi norak. pengen belajar tapi bingung gemana caranya yah..

speaking of poetries, pengen tau selera orang2 deh. kemaren gue lagi baca2, nemu potongan bait puisi kayak gini:

tatkala embun menetes dalam kehangatan pagi
di saat kuterjaga dari mimpi malam yang panjang
bayanganmu kembali muncul
dengan perlahan mengisi tiap pojok pikiranku
sebagaimana puluhan pagi sebelumnya

kuingin merasakan setiap jalinan benang sosokmu
setiap kali kuhirup nafas keseharian
merasakan setiap bagian dari dirimu mengisi relung hati
membiarkanku hanyut dalam perasaan kasih


gue gak nyatet siapa yang bikin. tapi being curious, kalo menurut elu2, puisi yang model gini tu bagus ato norak? pengen tau selera soalnya kemaren adu argumen ama adek gue, menurut gue personally ga norak, tapi kata dia tu potongan di atas norak banget.

so so, tell me what you think! bantu ngasi ide laah... gue pengen juga bisa bikin puisi nih, tapi pengen tau dulu tolak ukur norak dan bagus tu gemana, hehehe. jangan ajah ntar bikin tau2 dibilang norak sama semua orang, kan maluu.. :P
Thursday, November 20, 2003
life has never been better
first of all, congratulations to bayu! gue seneeeng banget denger that finally you've been acknowledged by her. it's a surprise though, to see how C is quite similiar with Mr. Fabulous. i mean the way they react on things we did, the way they think, tapi jadi enak sih... gue ama elu jadi bisa analyze bedua ttg what should we do next, hehehe so once again, omedetto! hope both our relationships would last. :)

secondly, berat gue turun!!! wuuuh... senengnyaaaaa... puasa gue tahun lalu gagal total, by the end of the month berat gue malah naek 2 kg, dan ga pernah turun lagi, ada juga naek mulu. tapi taun ini, sampe minggu lalu dah turun 4 kg, ga tau sekarang berapa. itu mulai dari gara2 emang gue sempet sakit seminggu, stress ngadepin mid tests, puasa & ga keurus di kost, lengkap lah. tapi hepiiiii banget, ada baju yang dah ga gue pake 2 taun, sekarang dah gue pake lagi. hiks hiks.. hepi abis..

thirdly, i have my friends. ga tau yah, lately bener2 mensyukuri the existence of my friends. mulai dari rombongan dwi, arief, bima, rully, terus rombongan shinobi-tachi (bihun ee', sate ee', baypa, ee' rico2, ama si pantat), rombongan anak2 asistensi kecintaan gue (vara, randy, mita, reza, plus anak2 yg even bukan di kelompok gue sebangsa pasdo ama pammy), to my girl friends (anggia, anggita, lany, dila, etc.). to make things complete, my dearest Mr. Fabulous bukan tipe2 yg ngelarang gue utk tetep deket ama temen2 gue sekalipun sekarang i'm with him. unlike Mr. Narcist yg sempet complain dan minta shinobi-tachi stay di kamar gue hanya sampe jam 10 malem, setelah itu harus diusir. aje gile... kayak yang ga tau aja anak Fasilkom jam-jam belajarnya kayak kalong gitu.

fourth, my Mr. Fabulous. enough said.


to be or not to be, let our hearts discover..
kemaren Mr. Fabulous berencana mo ke kampus, got so thrilled. ehhh tau2 siangnya telepon bilang ngga jadi, tau kenapa? karena jerawat dia lagi entah banyak ato lagi gede2. itu ya, antara gue kecewa karena dia ga jadi dateng ama gue mo ngakak denger alasannya. hahahahaha

he has changed, so much, in a good way of course. gue ngeliatnya siy sekarang dah banyak banget kemajuan dari segi dia expressing what he feels. dulu tu, susaaaaaaaaaaaaaah banget denger dia bilang dia sayang gue, sampe ke titik gue mulai khawatir yang ngerasa gini gue doang. gemana ga parno coba? tapi sekarang, everytime he feels like it, he'd just say it. either by sending me sms-es, ato pas gue lagi telepon ya dia sempetin bilang kalo dia sayang gue. *tears flowing* syeneng banget..

i don't know since when, tapi gue butuh banget denger my significant someone explicitly state kalo dia sayang gue. ga tau apa karena i have full respect on what people are saying, termasuk mungkin juga faktor gue tipe2 yg sangat jujur dg apa yang gue rasain. apa yang gue bilang, ya emang itu yg gue rasain. jadi mungkin gue kebawa utk berasumsi bahwa orang laen pun gitu, apa yang mereka bilang itu yang mereka rasain. so kalo Mr. Fabulous bilang dia sayang gue ya emang dia sayang gue, bukan ngibul2 ga jelas (i have faith on that).

kondisi dia jarang ke kampus, yg bikin kita jadi ga sesering itu utk ketemu, termasuk yg bikin gue merasa bahwa gue cuma bisa rely on his words to know how he feels about me. kalo berharap dia nunjukin dia sayang gue through his actions, yaaa.. mo gemana? ketemunya aja jarang gitu lho.

jeleknya ya kalopun dia ngibul, gue bakal percaya. either polos ato tolol. :P


at the moment di antara kebingungan gue adalah gue merasa kayak punya relationship yang backstreet. up till now, bonyok gue blon tau, ga tau deh bonyok dia gemana. unlike my previous relationship with Mr. Narcist, yg gue langsung state ke bonyok gue kalo gue dah gak jomblo the day dia menganggap kita officially "together", sekali ini gue ga bilang bonyok gue. err.. ga tau yah, gue sendiri takut mo ngomong, ga bisa predict respon mereka gemana. apalagi dg kondisi nyokap gue yg somehow keukeuh kalo gue suka ama Adong biarpun adek gue dah ngebelain berkali2 dg nyangkal tu cerita (mereka selalu ngebahas pas gue lagi ga di rumah), makin susah rasanya mo ngomong. tapi ntah ya... gue merasa kayaknya keengganan gue utk cerita ke bonyok gue itu lebih karena faktor gue trauma. 2x gue punya pacar yang gue cintaaaaa banget, dua-duanya ditolak bonyok gue. yg pertama karena nyokap gue ga suka sama nyokapnya, yg kedua ya pas ama D, obviously karena faktor kita beda agama. nah, 2x penolakan ini bikin gue trauma banget, jadi seolah-olah ada mekanisme: ndari jatuh cinta - ndari punya pacar - ndari bilang ama bonyok - bonyok ga setuju. gituuu.. pas ama Mr. Narcist kemaren, gue pede2 aja bilang karena gue blon begitu serius dg relationship itu (well, look at how it ended, 4 hari saja dan bubar sudah), gue blon jatuh cinta, jadi berasa ga ada beban. sementara sekarang, i am finally in luv again, jadi takuuuut banget kalo mekanisme itu terulang lagi. gue ga mau keilangan lagi, sakitnya setengah mati.

the pain of losing someone itu ternyata parah banget, gue ngalamin yg bener2 berasa sih 2x (in term of love-relationship lho). yg pertama malah lebih parah, karena in the end bener2 kehilangan karena dia meninggal kena heat stroke.

eh jadi ngalor-ngidul..

balik ke masalah gue & Mr. Fabulous, intinya ya gue masih bingung. mo bilang bonyok, guenya: 1) takut & being traumatic 2) blon liat tujuan bilang tu apa, i mean alasan yang bener2 realistis tu apa. tapi kalo ga bilang ko rasanya aga2 aneh juga. hadohhh... O_o


np: L'Arc~en~Ciel - Anata

asli ni lagu keren abis..
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
fooh.. *exhales* had spent the past 2.5 hours in the computer lab, and i've never been as tired. finally got the chance to reply all the emails that had been stranded in my inbox for the past 3 - 4 weeks. things been going quite upside-down at /dilmy since i'm working alone in Jakarta. got quite a lot of offers to cover some stories, yet neither i had the time or the energy to do it. due to the fact that i'm working alone here, by the time i didn't manage to come to those events, that meant that /dilmy had lost the story. >.<

debian conference is going quite good by now. everything is all set except for the fund (unfortunately, the most crucial aspect). but seeing the team going quite enthusiastic and worked hard for this conference, i still keep my optimism that this event would go well. wish me luck!

had enough with Mr. U. haven't heard the story eh? well he's one my seniors. didn't remember since when, but he started to call & send me sms-es. i don't really like him and so i found it quite annoying. he tend to call and talked about craps, or even worse, had nothing to talk about! so i was the one who got kinda panicked looking for topics to talk about. lately he'd been asking me to accompany him breaking his fast. as he was being more and more pushy about it, the more i got enough of it. once in a while i mentioned Mr. Fabulous' name but he never seemed to get my point.

but yesterday was one of my happy moments.

he stopped by at my room to ask me to accompany him (again). told him that i've prepared my food and planning to break my fast alone. then he insisted that i should accompany him for dinner, in which i came up with the excuse that i promised to have dinner with my friends. know what happened? around 8.30 on my way back from the restaurant, i met him AND his GIRLFRIEND. nyahah!!! gotcha this time! i was soooo happy when i saw him waved at me awkwardly.

now you've seen my point why i was so annoyed by him. one, he already HAS a girlfriend. so what's with the moves he's been doing? two, he's a really bad smoker. i never really mind to be around people who smokes, but to be with someone who even felt enough with cigarrettes as he broke his fast, ewwwww.... hate it. three, dislike him physically. his face is like dunno... reaaaaaaallly oily, in a sense that i find it very much disgusting. maybe this is rude, but really it's a major turn off. more stories about him, just stop by at Bayu's blog (the link is on the right tab).

i went out with Mr. Fabulous on the last Sunday night. we went to Zoom, watching the winner of previous years' JGTC competitions. it was just perfect! beautiful view (as we sat beside the window, looking at Bunderan HI from the 28th floor), great food (the brownies with ice cream was really nice. but the thing that made it special is the fact that i shared it with him, hehehehe.. norak deh gue..), jazz music, and well.. simply the fact that i was WITH him. that's what made it really special. our first date lhoooo... *wide grin*


you bring life to everything i do..
the thing between me and Mr. Fabulous is quite... new, I guess, for me. with D, i consider the moments when he hugged or kissed me as the most special moments ever. but now with Mr. Fab, my God, jangankan kisses and hugs, even the moment when he SAID that he luvs me, it'd make me jump all over the place! yep, it's a rare chance to hear him saying things that indicates that i'm special for him. or maybe i'm not, i don't know.

the way he is now made me think that he doesn't seemed to have the feeling of what i refer as 'sense of belonging'. i mean, up till now, i consider myself belong to him. me as the whole, including every single part of my soul. yet, i don't think he has that kind of feeling. when i'm with him, i feel as if he consider me as well simply just one of his close-ones, and that's it. maybe i'm asking much, but really i wish to be someone really special for him. i, on the contrary, would love the world to see that he's just the person who means everything to me.


more stories coming up.. have a class to catch up. logging off.


MY MR. FABULOUS

MEANS THE WORLD


TO ME :)

Saturday, November 15, 2003
just cut my hair at Brown's. wueleh.. mahal juga ternyata di sana. Was expecting that a haircut would cost some what around Rp 25k in which turned out that i had to pay Rp 50k. but oh well, hasilnya ga gitu jelek ko. wish mr. Fabulous see me now, mumpung bener2 masih fresh dari salon, hasil blow masih ok. taro'an besok pasti udah kepyek lagi nih rambut, hehehe...

can't wait till tomorrow, plan to go with Mr. Fabulous to Zoom. woohoo!


udah ah, lagi ga pengen cerita. pengen ngiseng nulis ajah. :P
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
been a tense week. Deb-Conf udah mulai ngitung mundur, 1 month plus 1 day left, to be precise. duit? MASIH NOL. pendaftaran? BELON JELAS. haduuuuuuuhhh... ampe bebusa marah2 ama anak2, gue sendiri lagi puasa jadi telernya setengah mati. at the same time, gue UTS, dan ini bener2 minggu depresi. dihajar dari hari Senin-Kamis: Fisika (failed), Operating System (75% lah..), Kalkulus (failed), dan Organisasi Sistem Komputer (wish me luck for tomorrow). to add more problem, Pak Gembong minta meeting. basically gue ga keberatan asalkan tu meeting ending2nya ngasih tau kalo duit gue bakal dibalikin by this weekend. i need my Rp 1.5 million! AAARGHHH! gue blon bayar tagihan telepon bulan ini. thanks to Fun Kart Gathering, tagihan bulan ini more than Rp 800k, a little bit better than last month. tapi intinya sama, gue blon bisa bayar. ogah kalo harus minjem emak gue lagi, ga enak banget ama dia. yang bulan lalu aja blon gue bayar, dan emak dah mulai protes ama gue. huu..huu..

gue capeeeeeeee........ pengen liburaaaaaaaannn...

i miss my friends, alot. sejak gabung ke Prospeed, I lost my personal time. gladly, lately semua dah mulai ngontak2 gue lagi, dan gue mulai pelan2 arrange waktu utk ketemu sama semuanya lagi. Kyubi sempet kaget juga, kita berdua lagi arrange waktu utk ketemu (a VERY difficult task, considering sama2 workaholic yang ga pernah punya waktu), dan gue akhirnya bilang ke dia, "ohkay, how about Thursay dinner 2 weeks FROM NOW?". hahahaha gawat, ini dah pertanda gue kelewat sibuk. cuma mo arrange 1 simple dinner aja susahnyaaaaa...

same thing dengan Chietty, ngajak ketemu around this week. gue bilang kalo mo enak kan ya kita ngupi2 seperti biasa. dari mulai gue tetepin hari Kamis malem, mundur ke Jumat malem, sampe ke Minggu malem, lalu batal. hahahaha gara2nya Kamis malem gue ada rapat DebConf di Sudirman, 20.00 - 22.00. Jumat malem Jetto latian, prediksi gue 21.00 - 24.00. Minggu malem mo pegi ama Mr. Fabulous (YEAY!) 19.30 - 23.00-an. so in the end gue usul ke dia gemana kalo ga usah ngopi, dia mampir ke rumah gue aja Minggu pagi, kita ngobrol2.

then Lany, same thing happened, ending2nya gue kasih jatah Minggu siang.

GILAAAAA!!! cuma mo ketemu temen2 sendiri aja susahnya, astagaaaaa...

coba coba.. kita liat jadwal minggu ini.

Kamis
====
08.00 - 10.00 : Kuliah Operating System
10.00 - 12.00 : Mid-test OSK
12.00 - 15.00 : nyicil bikin tugas OS
15.00 - 17.30 : demo DDP anak2 2003
19.00 - 22.00 : rapat DebConf di Sudirman


Jumat
====
09.00 - 10.00 : kuliah Statistika
10.00 - 12.00 : asistensi DDP
13.00 - 17.30 : ngetem di kampus, Mr. Fabulous's coming! :)
17.30 - 19.00 : buka puasa bersama di Fasilkom
20.30 - 24.00 : Jetto latian


Sabtu
====
08.00 - 11.00 : most likely bakal rapat sama Pak Gembong
13.00 - 15.00 : les Fisika
16.00 - 23.00 : ke Citapen


Minggu
=====
10.00 - 16.00 : Achiet ato Lany mungkin mo dateng (jadi ga, teman2ku?)
19.30 - 23.00 : ngeliput acara di Zoom ditemenin Mr. Fabulous



sinting.... can't wait till this week's over. so tired.

tadinya pengen cerita-cerita ttg Mr. Fabulous, tapi ntaran deh. Si Pantat dah manggil dari tadi, minta ditemenin balik ke kelas, mo kuliah Pemrograman Lanjut. huuuuhh... saya tepar.. pengen balik ke kos dan tidur :(
Saturday, November 08, 2003
ngantuknyaaaa setengah mati. tapi mo tidur sekarang, hmm.. pertama, masih ada ada note OS yang blon dibuat. kedua, Mr. Fabulous keukeuh ngajak chatting ntar malem (syeneng.. syeneng.. ^^), jadi intinya not the time to sleep yet, ndar. hoeh..

24 hours a day had never been enough
deb-conf udah makin deket, gue makin stress. pertama, publikasi blon jalan dengan baik. baru jalan di milis2 doang, ini gemana mo ngejer target 300 peserta coba?!! kedua, keterlambatan pencetakan proposal yang berakibat pada terlambatnya anak2 danus jalan. asli, makin stress lah gue.. ini apa kabar Rp 16 juta yang harus dicari dalam sebulan ini?? ketiga, roadshow blon juga mulai padahal ini udah ampir masuk pertengahan bulan. huu huuu.. asli mo nangis mikirinnya. di saat yang sama, anak-anak 2002 lagi pada mid. mo marah2 ga tega juga rasanya, di mana2 yang penting ya tetep aja kuliah baru kegiatan2 laen. T_T


and so, maybe i've grown more mature
D sms-ed yesterday, asking how i've been doing & suspecting that i've been too busy dating Mr. Fabulous. *laugh* gemana mo pegi coba, wong sekarang lagi mid, dan lagi bulan puasa pula. susah mo ke mana2. dia curhat kalo dia lagi ada beberapa masalah di sana. mulai dari problem dia disuruh bonyoknya pulang ke sini setelah kuliah sementara dia blon mau pulang, dia disuru nikah dengan cw yang Batak juga sementara Carol bukan, sampe ke masalah krisis duit. problem pertama dia sih gue liat ya emang balik ke rencana awal dia dulu. seinget gue sih dulu emang rencana emang mo sekolah di sana, setelah itu pulang. gue ga tau juga kalo ternyata dia sekarang berubah pikiran, pengen stay sampe ijin tinggal dia abis. IMO sih liat2 sikon lah. kalo di sana juga ga jelas juntrungannya ya buat apa? siapa tau keluarganya emang butuh dia di sini. problem dia yang kedua, well... err..wallahualam deh. alhamdulillah keluarga ga terlalu bawel urusan suku, cuma paling nyokap wanti2 supaya gue ga nikah sama orang Sunda (God knows why..). intinya ya gue ga terlalu bisa komentar masalah ini. paling yang bisa gue komentarin cuma masalah motivasi dia bertahan sama Carol. gue have my biggest suspicion bahwa dia bertahan cuma pantaran males utk mulai relationship baru lagi, bukan bertahan karena yakin Carol yang terbaik buat dia. kalo kecurigaan gue bener, yaa.... ngaco banget lah jalan pikiran dia. abis, alasan mo keukeuh-nya tolol bener & ga penting. kalo ternyata gue salah, ya sykur lah. wish him all the luck utk berjuang mempertahankan Carol di keluarga dia. as for his last problem, gue juga ga komentar deh. ini bukan pertama kali, dan dia selalu managed to get through it, jadi gue yakin sekali ini pun bakal lewat laah...

quite funny to see how things have developed between us now. gue dah bisa nerima banget dia sama Carol, bahkan sampe ke titik ga peduli lagi dengan apa yang terjadi di relationship dia itu. kalo mo nikah ya i wish him all the best lah, ga ada lagi perasaan cemburu ato apa di gue. maybe i've grown? hopefully, yes.

percaya sepenuhnya bahwa kehadiran Mr. Fabulous di hidup gue pegang andil gede banget utk masalah ini. :)


one fine day, you'll look at me
kemaren cukup seru berdebat dengan Mr. Fabulous. semuanya dimulai dari sms dia pagi2, "Ndar, gue ngerasa lagi jauh sama elu." NAH! ga bingung dong gue di-sms gitu? langsung lah gue telepon, gue tanya what's wrong. dia bilang dia blon bisa jelasin, dia sendiri masih bingung. jadi dia mo nulis aja, ntar mo dikirim ke gue.

sore2, bener dah dikirim tu email hasil berpikir dia itu (and you really gotta read the email, kocaaaaak banget! dia bikin kayak FAQ gitu, ada Q & A-nya, tapi semua ditanyakan dan dia jawab sendiri, hahahaha). intinya dia merasa gue kurang ngasih waktu utk dia, as in gue masih sibuk dengan segala aktivitas gue sendiri.

gue pun berpikir.

bingung.

gemana ga bingung. mau nyediain waktu dalam bentuk apa-nya itu yang bikin gue pusing karena gue ga tau mo gemana. kalo dia pas lagi ke kampus, gila.. bener2 100% waktu gue sediain waktu buat dia. kayak pas Selasa kemaren, itu asli kondisi gue lagi seburuk2nya. diare dah 9x, perut sakit setengah mati, badan dah meriang, kepala pening, badan lemes karena ga makan dari pagi, tapi begitu dia dateng... gila langsung ilang semua perasaan ga keruan itu, ketutup ama antusiasnya gue karena ketemu dia dan jadilah gue nemenin dia pegi2. temen2 gue pun pas ketemu gue di kos bilang gue rada gila, mereka tau kondisi gue lagi separah2 apaan tau & tau gue masih maksain utk nemenin Mr. Fabulous. ya abisnya gemana, it's not like i see him everday, jadi sekali2nya ketemu ya gue maksimalin dulu lah hehehe

anyway, back to the problem. ya gue merasa kalo gue dah sediain waktu full buat dia ketika gue ketemu. tapi kalo emang dia lagi ga ke kampus, gue mo gemana? kalo disuru mikirin dia seharian tanpa ngelakuin hal2 yang laen (salah satu kemungkinan yg terpikir di kepala gue ttg bentuk waktu yang dia minta ke gue) , aje gile.. bisa sinting lah gue. kayak ga tau aja nature gue sebagai workaholic (Kyubi ampe complain. cuma mo ngajak lunch aja gue akhirnya baru bisa selipin di schedule gue 2 weeks from now).

basically ya... *garuk2 kepala* utk problem ini gue blon tau solusi konkritnya mo gemana.

pas sore ampe malem, ga tau gemana kita malah ended up berdebat tentang so many things menyangkut perasaan kita masing2. gue bilang lah kalo gue ketakutan setengah mati bahwa ketika gue udah mulai all out (D, you know exactly kan gue kalo dah mulai devoting myself to someone i luv, bisa kayak gemana parahnya..) dengan perasaan gue, dianya ternyata cuma palsu. palsu as ini dia ga ngerasa kayak gini juga, tapi dia act as if he is. duuuh... nyakitinnyaaaa kalo ampe itu bener terjadi. terus gue meragukan sepenuhnya apa yang dia rasain ke gue. gue masih curiga kalo dia baru sebates 'suka', sementara gue dah kepalang basah mulai jatuh cinta. kalo ampe iya kan bahaya banget, di guenya yang ada jadi kayak orang bodo, dibego2in gampang banget.

akhirnya kita sama2 menganalisa, dan sampe ke satu kesimpulan bahwa ada perbedaan antara gue dan dia nunjukin cara kita sayang satu sama laen. buat dia, nunjukin sayang itu lebih ke perbuatan. jadi tiap dia denger gue bilang kalo gue sayang dia, dia merasa itu blon menjamin apa2 unless gue dah melakukan things yang nunjukin kalo emang bener sayang ama dia. sementara gue, gue butuh denger dia bilang sayang ama gue. hey, i'm not a psychic! kalo dia ga bilang, mana gue tau kalo dia sayang ama gue ato ngga. jadi mau dia gemana juga ke gue, selama dia blon bilang sayang ama gue, gue ga bisa tenang. dan itu masih terus terjadi sampe detik ketika kita telepon2an itu.

setelah gregetan setengah mati satu sama laen, akhirnya gue berentiin kita ngomong bentar, tarik nafas, then told myself kalo gue mo nanya aja dia sayang gue ato ngga. kalo ternyata dia bilang "Belum" ato "Ngga" ya udeh,.... mati lah awak. hehehe ngga deeeeng, kalo dia bilang ngga ya wis lah, berarti perjuangan gue masih panjang banget. kalo ternyat iya ya lega lah gue. jadi gue bilang,

nd : "gini deh, gue mo nanya satu aja ama elu."
mr. fab : "gue sayang banget sama elu, ndar."
nd : "......... kok tau gue mo nanya itu????"

afterwards gue seneeeeeeeeeeeng banget, leganya setengah mati. langsung kayaknya dunia indaaaaah bener, hahahaha jadi dangdut deh gue. but seriously, gue seneeng banget abis denger dia ngomong gitu. semua pikiran2 kemaren ttg ngarepin ada committed relationship whatsoever, HILANG SUDAH! asal gue dah tau kalo dia sayang ama gue, itu bener2 cukup. *smiles*

yang sempet bikin gue senyum banget itu pas dia sms, "so lucky to have you Ndar!". duuh.. jadi tersanjung banget deh. itu dan satu sms lagi yang dia bilang "u know what.. knowing that i'm yours and you're mine now really makes me love you more, Ndar."

ampe ada orang yang bisa ga luluh diomongin gitu, asli tu orang bener2 batu!

sementara gue langsung meleleh.... *muka merah*


this is a very early relationship, but i really can tell what i feel at this very moment.

so glad that you're the person yang akan mulai mengisi hidup gue dengan warna-warna baru & menjadi bagian dari diri gue dengan membawa segala perasaan indah. gue sayang elu, af.


signing out..
Thursday, November 06, 2003
baru kepikiran.. i'm a very devoted person. devotion ini both dalam hal things i do, maupun dalam hal devoting myself to the person i care about, in which entah itu kelemahan atau keunggulan karena devotion gue ini kadang2 bikin gue jadi tolol. dalam hal pekerjaan, devotion gue kadang sampe bikin gue sakit karena getting too focussed to what i do and sacrificing anything as long as what i'm doing becomes perfect. dalam hal feelings malah lebih bodo lagi, karena sampe ke titik kadang itu bisa nyakitin gue, dan gue ga perduli karena gue tau mungkin hal yang nyakitin gue itu adalah hal yang bikin dia bahagia.

gile... kalo orang tau gue aslinya gini gemana ya, considering image yang muncul selama ini di sebagian besar temen2 gue adalah justru gue ga butuh co. hahahahahaha nistanya guee...
np: Fourplay - Someone to Love

has always loved this song, simply one of my favorites! smooth & slow tune, very minimal lyric but heard really nice since it's sung by Babyface: "Someone to love, everybody needs to have someone to love.."


so how's everyone today? i've had quite an experience.

everything started 2 days ago, when i was studying for the Tuesday's Statistics mid-test. it was around 2 in morning, i was in one of my worst condition. got a headache, started to have a diarrhea, couldn't stop coughing because of my flu, and i was so damn exhausted (after my Advanced Programming mid-test, i stayed in the computer lab till 6 PM since i had to wait for my juniors to give a demonstration of their programs. rushed back to my room, took a shower, had dinner, then started studying. while the others had a chance to take a 2-or-3-hours nap). Sate told me to go back to my room after he saw my condition, so i did.

woke up in the morning, feeling worse than ever. my diarrhea got worse, and i had a Statistics mid-test in about 2 hours.

so the disaster happened. during the whole 2-hours test, i had a stomachache, had a fever, had a feeling to puke, and tried my best to keep myself from going to the toilet. after an hour, i couldn't help it, i asked for the permission to go the toilet. got back to the class and things didn't get any better. the numbers were so hard to calculate, i had a BIG TROUBLE on concentrating because of my sickness, so in the end, i failed. i looked at my answers and i knew it was all wrong.

got out of the class, feeling all the pain inside me plus the frustrated feeling because of the earlier test. i called En, wondering if he and the others were available to accompany me to the PKM (Pusat Kesehatan Masyarakat). he told me that Bayu & him were occupied since they had to watch the juniors doing their PSD quiz, whilst Tommy & Sate were on their way to have lunch. i called Mr. Fabulous asking where might he be, turned out he was still at home so i knew i just had to go to PKM on my own.

found an 'ojek' and rushed to PKM, got several pills i had to take, then went back to campus to wait for Mr. Fabulous.

after an hour waiting, Mr. Fabulous came. amazingly all the feeling to puke, the pain, etc., just vanished, as if i was too focussed on my excitement on seeing Mr. Fabulous. i accompanied him to the Literature Faculty, then we had a long chat at the Excelso Cafe at Faculty of Economics - Post-Graduate. there we discussed soooo many things. starting from the gossips about both of us that had been spreaded out all around the campus, back to the question "what are we", our family background, to our expectations to each other.

i noticed that he's a little too logical, even when facing love matters. he said that what i feel for him now seemed to be illogical since i have no good reason for it. whilst in my opinion, love/care doesn't need a reason. it's simply a feeling, and feelings just happened without any of our control. i'm very sure about what i feel now, gue sayang banget sama dia, but it seemed to be really hard for him to accept that.

our conversation ended up to be our chance to analyze so many things about us, both about our weird relationship and about our own feelings.

somehow, in the end i'm starting to think that he's so traumatized with his previous relationship. i don't know, it's just that some of his words simply showed it. things like "what do you expect from me?" and "i don't want to be possesive" albeit the fact that he admitted he's a possesive kind of a guy. it occured to me that his first statement somehow made me think that MAYBE in his previous relationship, he failed to meet his significant-someone's expectations just by being himself. then his second statement, dunno... he seemed to be very afraid of being possesive, in which he admitted that on his previous relationship he was being too possesive and i concluded that maybe it became a boomerang.

again, this is just my suspicion...

i mean, it's just so weird. not even once in my previous relationships had i ever told my significant someone about what do i expect from them. i mean, why should i? if i wanted to do that, then i could've just dated a robot, who'd do anything as i please. and it's plain wrong. when i choose to be with someone, that means that i wanna be with him, whatever he's like. then the possesive thing.. *smiles* i told him that i'm not a possesive kind of a person. i can still remember clearly when Anta got mad at me cause i seemed to be not needing him. it's not that i didn't need him, i just didn't see any reason why i should be possesive. anyway, this doesn't mean that i expect the same thing from mr. Fabulous. if he's the kind of guy who's possesive then so be it, i'd still care about him anyway. the bottom line is, i've chosen him, which means every part of him, all the good and the flaws. him and the way he is.

well he seemed quite hard to accept that, questioning "why me?" hahahaha man.. my dear Mr. Fabulous, you're the only person who managed to make me feel 'this' way again. all the sparkling & magical feelings. now i'm starting to feel that my life's complete. wouldn't that reason be enough?


i'm sleepy... logging off.
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
reminder: jangan lupa tulis artikel untuk promosi IMD, jangan lupa terjemahin artikel Craig David-nya Muh, jangan lupa terjemahin artikelnya WeKa, jangan lupa bikin MoU untuk IMD, jangan lupa bikin MoU untuk KPLI, jangan lupa bikin artikel utk promosi Zoom.

duh, banyak yah..

pengen cerita banyak, tapi mo ngeburu waktu karena harus ke kelas mo ngetek tempat utk kalkulus. jadi kayaknya ntar2an ajah.. lagian mood nulis blon nongol, jadi ga bakal panjang juga kalo mo nulis.

love me for a reason, let the reason be love..
cuma pengen bilang, it's truly my luck to have Mr. Fabulous in my life. gemana kemaren setelah gue kesakitan luar biasa dari pagi + depresi karena gagal pas midtest, bisa langsung cheered up setelah ditemenin sama dia. segala perasaan gue yg selalu ngawang ketika gue lagi mikirin dia, gue yg sebete2 ble'e dari pagi bisa langsung senyum ketika sms dia masuk, *sigh* enak yah kalo lagi head over heels ginii... *wide smile*

sir, if you're reading this, makasih mau nyoba jalanin semuanya sama gue. gue sayang banget sama elu. hope this'll last.
Saturday, November 01, 2003
ngga sih... after i had a real thought about it, yang paling mengganggu buat gue sekarang adalah kenyataan bahwa gue ga bisa dengan leluasa bilang kalo gue sayang dia. pikiran gue kemudian jelas condong ke committed relationship, karena once we're committed dah enak leluasa bilang sayang tuw. tapi... that's not the real problem. problem gue sebenernya adalah, GUE BUTUH TAU DIA SEBENERNYA GEMANA KE GUE. ituu aja d.

kalo dia emang sayang, gue pengen dia bilang ke gue itu. once i've known, gue merasa dah punya hak utk say the same thing ke dia. kalo ternyata dia ga sayang, ya.... sial lah gue. tapi really, gue cuma mau tau itu ajah. kalo emang ga sayang, ya wis lah, mo gemana, but at least gue tau.

kenapa gue ga duluan bilang sayang? simple, gue ga mau dia sampe me-reply "gue juga sayang elu" whatsoever tapi cuma lip-service.


huuhh.... ble'e ni di posisi kayak gini.. :(
AHCHOOOO!!! *sniff sniff* sekarang pake flu pula! padahal suara sejak Malam Dasawarsa aja blon pulih, dg hebatnya pake diperburuk ama flu. duhhh.. ini ketularan siapa yaa... !_!

so, let's see.. pengen cerita apa yah, kayaknya banyak banget yang pengen gue ceritain de.

to D
D had read my blog, especially my latest stories regarding Mr. Fabulous, and he seemed to be happy to know that I've found someone else. D, if you're reading this, mm... pertama, tengkyu yaa for supporting me on this one.

kedua, emang gue takut banget sama relationship ini. i'm in the same position when i first fell in luv with you, so fragile. gue liat dia kayak elu dulu, masih suka2 sepintas doang ama gue, sementara di guenya dah bener sayang. jadi ketakutan gue pertama adalah kalo dia ga bisa bener2 sayang ama gue (syukur2 kalo ending2nya kayak gue-elu dulu). gue ga mo maksain punya relationship ama dia, kalo dia emang blon bener2 sayang ama gue. jangan ampe sayangnya tu kepaksa karena dah berada di committed relationship. selain itu, he's just so nice, gue takut banget ini ga work out. lebih tepatnya sih gue takut keilangan dia. agama sama ko, ga akan lah gue ngulang kegilaan yang sama, terlalu pedih & traumatik.

ketiga, nope... don't get me wrong, ini pertama kali gue ngerasa gini lagi setelah sama elu. pas ama mmm.... you know who lah (yang gue ngaku ke dia kalo gue suka itu lho. ga mo nyebut nama soalnya ada bbrp temen dia suka baca blog gue juga, bahaya...bahaya... hehehe), gue ga jatuh cinta, meskipun gue ngakuin gue sukaaaaaaaaaaaaa banget ama dia. once in a while kalo lagi ketemu ama dia juga masih suka berasa dikit2 ko, tapi it wasn't luv, although i thought it was. pas ama Mr. Narcist itu malah lebih gila lagi, itu logical banget dari guenya, ga gitu make feeling. tapi sekarang, being with Mr. Fabulous made me feel all the sparkling feelings (ntah apa deh istilahnya), pokonya beda lah.

Elu sendiri mm..aga2 ga ngerti. Dia Kristen juga kan? Jadi problem elu apa sebenernya? Apa karena dia bukan Batak? O_o

Salam elu bakal gue sampein ko, tengkyu yah.. Sori ga ngemail, gue lagi ga gitu mood nulis2 email.


man, this sure is a weird relationship...


Debian Conference #1
gue akhirnya ditunjuk jadi Project Organizer utk acara ini, alhamdulillah.. basically ya jadi konferensi yang materinya lebih dititikberatkan pada seminar. targetnya tu pengguna2 Linux di Indonesia, mau dikenalin ke Debian. tapi riweuhnya astagaaaaaaaaaa ngerjain ini proyek. satu, beban karena ini konferensi pertama di Indonesia. kedua, waktunya mepet setengah mati. ketiga, initial fund ga ada. HADOHHHHHHH! ini gemana coba?! getting so stressed out each and every day. especially facing the fact that at the same time gue masih harus mikirin UTS yang udah di depan mata. hiks hiks hiks... gue pusing...


it had to be you..
kemaren bikin buka puasa & tarawihan di rumah. rame abisss.... yang dateng mulai dari temen2 SMA gue (in which Mr. Januari juga dateng, pusing ngadepinnya), temen2 kampus (including Mr. Fabulous, yeay!!!), sampe temen2 pengajian. yang paling seru obviously anak2 Kencur alias anak2 Fasilkom 2003. gue juga ngundang Pasdo, Pamela, ama Randy yang obviously selama tarawihan mereka cuma bisa ngobrol2 doang nungguin selese hehehe temen2 SMA gue questioning siapa2 aja temen2 pengajian gue, karena emang cantik2 lhoooo... sebut aja coba deh: Syarin, Ifa, Cindy, Jane, tau sendiri lah mereka emang cantik2 & lucu2 banget. cuma ya, dari segi umur rata2 udah di atas 22 semua, jadi teman2ku itu aga2 hopeless juga hehe

So happy when I saw Mr. Fabulous came. Know what, the more often I see him now, the more I'm paying attention to him physically, and my... ternyata dia cakep banget lho! Asli gue ga pernah sadar, karena ya... ini di antara yang ngebedain apa yang gue rasain ke D ama Mr. Fabulous, kalo D awalnya gue tertarik itu karena dia physically ganteng. Kalo Mr. Fabulous gue awal tertarik kan karena kemampuan musik dia, malah fisik ga gitu gue liat. Baru sekarang2 aja gue perhatiin, ternyata cakep lho.. makin demen deh hihihi Tapi objektif lho, si Lany ngakuin dia lumayan banget sementara adek gue malah girang karena dia bilang Mr. Fabulous cakep banget, mirip ama Sammy (padahal menurut gue sih, mirip Sammy kalo diliat dari Monas. GILA AJA, ga ada mirip2nya kali).

Anyway, ya when he came, I rushed outside to see him, and I don't know... saw him looking very neat and handsome, mo meleleh deh. *smiles* Talked with him for a while, then I asked him to go in and see the other seniors (udah ada Heru, Aryo, sama Ardhi). And trust me, I could never be happier. He asked which is my dad, my mom, and my sister. I accompanied him for a while before jumping around here and there trying to be a good host.

Funny that I felt a sudden pain when I saw him leaving my house. The last time I saw someone I really care about leaving my house was when D left my house, the day when we were forced to break up. .... I'm just being traumatic I guess.

This morning, spent a while to talk to one of my seniors, asking for suggestions about what should I do with this relationship between me and Mr. Fabulous. He took a wild guess, and he guessed right on who Mr. Fabulous really is! I was so worried if I'm being too obvious, he said that I wasn't. But he's been noticing several small details on Mr. Fabulous' moves, so he knew.

I told him that I don't know what to do with this relationship. I admit that maybe I'm not ready for this, but I'm willing to try. I can't deny the fact that at this point, I /do/ want to have a committed relationship with him. Err... to be honest, I realize very well that I'm beginning to luv him. However, I know that he's still not there yet, and that's the reason why I'm not sure if I should be committed to him. I really don't want him to have a committed relationship with him while he's not in luv with me. If I force a committed relationship to go on between us, I'm so afraid that he'll be forced to luv me. Or even worse, I'd be the only person who's in luv.

WHY AM I ALL OF SUDDEN BEING SUCH A COMMITMENT-MINDED PERSON?! AAAARRRGHHH!!!!

i'm so afraid of losing him.. *sigh*


ok, mo sholat Zuhur dulu, cerita2 dilanjutin nanti deh..


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me
ndari, nday, ojochan, nenek, burung, bursky, birdy, wulan

obsessed with new york city, vin diesel, yoshiki hayashi, having an apartment, and keeping things clean & tidy

describes herself as anal-retentive, a workaholic, a credit-card abuser, a faghag, suffering from light OCD

luv luv luv coffee, cigarettes, bodyCombat, cocktails, chit-chatting, making friends, organizing, working, the idea of decorating her own apartment, shopping

freaks out over talks about marriage and having kids

hates fruits, mushy-spoiled-and-stupid guys, cooking, people who are not being ontime/ nosy/ judgmental/ who burp in public


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